A2M for the Horror Clique

Halloween day I had relatively little to do. The night before I'd been at a fantastic party, but there were no plans this particular eve, and with a lack of trick-or-treating kiddies in the neighborhood, that means I had the day to myself to do whatever I wanted. So after finishing up mundane weekend chores, I decided to stroll down to the local Redbox to see what they had in stock. I ended up coming away with a significant haul, but there was one film I was pleasantly surprised to discover available, one that allowed me to continue my Halloween holiday theme for the evening. The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is a Dutch horror film that had been first recommended to me by my friend Dan S (not to be confused with the bastard who recommended Southland Tales), over a month previous during birthday celebrations. Since that time, I've heard from other sources concerning the film and it's oddly horrific twist, but I was surprised that a copy of it would come into my possession so easily.

Hello, we're from dial-a-whore?

The Human Centipede introduces us to Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie), two American tourists traveling through Europe. In attempting to get to a trendy German night club, the pair get lost and suffer a flat tire, eventually and unfortunately ending up at the home of Dr Heiter (Dieter Laser), a former doctor who had been famous for separating Siamese twins. After drugging the girls and kidnapping a young Japanese businessman (Akihiro Kitamura), the good doctor uses them in his latest surgical experiment: joining the three into a human centipede. To achieve this, one victim has their lips surgically melded to another's anus, and the next victim connected likewise at the other end, meaning that the three are joined in a method that would mean that the first person would feed, with the others dependent on that first person digesting their food before it would travel to them. Hieter wants to create Siamese triplets because he was bored of pulling conjoined people apart as  profession, and the torture and degradation we see his victims undergo is the result of this madness.

Dr. Heiter attempts to pull his best "Shatner"

Despite and dubiousness that might be attributed to the claim of 100% medical accuracy as to whether such a procedure could take place, to a layman the idea seems of joining two or more people in such a manner seems physically - if not morally -  sound. That the film is smart enough to make us believe that such a thing, as monstrous as it may be, is in fact possible is the film's best feature. Smart decisions abound in the film, though the fact that most of that brilliance comes from the main villain blunts it a little. The victims in this tale have little to no control over what happens to them, and Dr. Heiter has all the power. Ironically, though we root for the unfortunate travelers to escape this predicament, it's Heiter we learn the most about, his motivations and dreams come to us in almost every scene, and he's the best written character in the bunch.

The good news is that you're all healthy and normal. The bad news is that's going to change.

Acting-wise, the director couldn't have asked for better help from a nobody cast. Laser, best known for his role on the Canadian/German sci-fi show Lexx, plays a character that must at first seem mad to the viewers but only eccentric to his soon-to-be patients. Once the cat's out of the bag, however, he is allowed to be as crazy as he needs to be to pull off this seriously disturbed character, and pulls it off flawlessly. The two young women are both okay performers, with Williams being the stronger of the two actors. While hearing the name Ashley Williams in a horror film may, for me at least, hearken back to Bruce Campbell's iconic role in the 80's and early 90's, but this Williams starts off okay before taking her performance to a level that could at least be considered "good" by the end. She also finally managed to get an acting credit in a film, as her only screen appearance before this was an uncredited villager in Willow. With plenty of theater work on her resume, she may use this role to get more film roles in the future, and has talent to do so. Yennie, meanwhile, starts out at one level and doesn't deviate in her performance talents throughout the film. She's fine, and does hysterical emotions well, but otherwise doesn't have the same talents as her costars. Most surprising for me was Kitamura as the only non-English speaking character in the film. After he's introduced, Kitamura does a fantastic job conveying his difficulties with the language barrier and the horror of the situation he's in. By the time the film has reached its apex, he had become my favorite character in the entire cast, no small difficulty with Williams' doggedness and Laser's madness opposite him. I would think Kitamura would even be considered an inspiring character, were he transposed to a different film.

The rifle? What, too much?

Human Centipede does throw a few curveballs your way, especially the way they handle the controversial surgical operation. The final product actually makes it's appearance at the film's halfway mark, and watching the creature effects in action are disturbing, to say the least. The film doesn't go overboard with gore or blood, however, as these things are alluded to but never actually shown on screen. The female characters are practically half-nude during this whole second half, but are never sexualized because of this, and good camerawork keep it from being nudity for nudity's sake. These things make the film out to be more highbrow than you might expect. Even the surgical ass-kissing idea is not pornographic in any way, as it's more horrific to see these people stuck this way than anything. This once again allows the film to be much smarter than similar titles would otherwise be.

"I've been digging in the graveyard, all the live-long day..."

It's too bad these smarts don't extend all the way to the end, where the good doctor proves that even his brilliance has a limit and we end with a depressing finale that, compared to the rest, feels like a letdown. It's this ending that makes me think that director Tom Six might be dipping into the same well a bit too much when it was announced that he was working on a sequel called The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence). Somehow I can't imagine that the original concept and bright script that buoyed the film in the first place can stand a sequel where the scripts might not be as good. It almost certainly will not get as much attention as the first film did, but it remains to see if it will deserve any.

Until then, we wait.

More Evil than Originally Predicted

On request of my roommate Danny, I watched Southland Tales recently on DVD. Now that my brain has reconstructed itself from it's emergency shutdown, I'll tell you about it.

Southland Tales claims that the story within is how the world ends: not with a whimper, but with a bang. In it, action star Boxer Santaros (Dwayne Johnson) has been kidnapped and woken up with little to no memory about who he is, including the fact that he's son-in-law to the Republican V.P.-nominee for 2008. Taken under the wing of former porn star and wannabe reality TV star Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar), Santoros writes a screenplay for a new film that tells a story about the end of the world, and tags along with Officer Roland Taverner (Seann William Scott)  to research the part. Only thing is that Taverner has been kidnapped and replaced by his twin brother Ronald, a member of the local neo-Marxist movement with an agenda against the US government, which has become an overbearing Big Brother and a Goliath war machine after atomic attacks in Texas in 1945. Meanwhile, scientist Baron von Westphalen (Wallace Shawn) has created a new energy source, called Fluid Karma, that promises to save the US Treasury, which has nearly bankrupted itself with worldwide conflicts in which most of the country's young men are drafted and sent to far away places, most never to return.

He's a pimp daddy

It's understandable that so many people would dismiss the film when it came out, first at Cannes in 2006 and when it hit limited theaters the next year. The story has so many parts, and they're so disjointed, that expecting a coherent story to come of it would be like wishing for a true Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement. The entire thing is narrated. end-to-end, by Justin Timberlake's Iraqi war veteran Pilot Abeline, who survived friendly fire to return home, and somehow is in a position to uncover and relay the event of the entire story to us. This unfortunate element proves to be necessary as the entire film would be complete unintelligible without the unfocused, revelation-quoting diatribe of a depth-less character to tell us exactly what's happening at any given time. Characters are introduced but never put into context with one another, and yet the people on the screen apparently learn things about one another that are never uttered in their presence. Whether this is simply inane scriptwriting or a side-effect of the post-Cannes re-editing may not be entirely unknown, but what is certain is that director/screenwriter Richard Kelly (known far and wide for a movie I haven't seen, Donnie Darko) had a lot to say but like so many who try to get it all out in one burst, can't quite get it out right.

Dark and soulless, just like his music career

The acting is interesting, if widely scattered in terms of character depth and acting talent. As the lead role of Santaro, the man formerly known as The Rock stretches himself a little thin, though you wouldn't immediately imagine an action movie hero, even one with amnesia, to be that big a difference from his true persona. Actually, the character goes through something of a nervous breakdown, and that's where Johnson becomes unbelievable, as his character goes from swarthy rock god to nervous mess back to rock god over the course of the film, all seemingly on his own. Scott is actually better, though not by much more than his usual output. His twin brothers are often drugged, knocked out or otherwise incapacitated, hearkening back to some of Scott's earlier comedic work. But at least here he's no disappointment, although that may be only in relation to the rest of the cast. Gellar is about as good as you would expect from her, as her character of a porn-star-going-legit runs away from her and she doesn't have the charisma or chops to pull off the role. Timberlake puts on the best performance of his career, though as a poorly-written characterization of damaged soldiers coming home from overseas. He has the opposite problem that Gellar has, as it takes most of his charisma to make the figure remotely interesting.

"So when can I see your gun?"

The film is filled with juicy bits, mostly coming from the supporting cast. Wallace Shawn is delightful as the villain von Westphalen, though no more so than he had been as Vizzini in The Princess Bride or Mr. Hall on Clueless or currently is as Cyrus Rose on Gossip Girl. A song and dance scene featuring Timberlake was enjoyable. A great scene of a staged domestic dispute between underground rebels Amy Poehler and The Wire's Wood Harris is hilarious. Cheri Oteri as a feminist warrior is somewhat predictable but nevertheless funny. And Zelda Rubenstein is perfectly cast as a sidekick to the evil professor. But these parts are largely overshadowed by lameness, such as wasting Miranda Richardson as Santaro's mother-in-law, the head of US-Ident, the government program that spies on US citizens. Mandy Moore is similarly misused as Santaro's wife, a bitchy and spoiled woman who adds nothing to the story. And Bai Ling as a seductress amounts to less than nothing (seriously, besides an episode of Lost, has Ling been in ANYTHING good??). A dreadful final thirty minutes of overlapping, inconsequential madness doesn't help these poor sheep, and these drag the film down farther than could ever be imagined.

Yes, folks. That's the limit of "The Rock"'s acting ability

Southland Tales's biggest problem is the ideas it introduces. The problem is that the thoughts and interesting things brought into the film are unused, usually scrapped at the earliest convenience for a new, more insane idea, which is then thrown out and so on and so on, until the final product matches little what you expected might happen based on the information provided over the course of the film. By the end of the film, I had to laugh and shout at the TV to keep everything in focus, that this film was in fact a travesty of the potential it could have had. Even it's cooler sci-fi elements are completely glossed over, until they are finally revealed at the end. An end I couldn't wait to arrive.

He was a cop for Halloween

As you can probably guess by now, I absolutely HATED Southland Tales. I thought it was a dreadful piece of pap that took some original and insightful ideas and shat all over them, all in the name of art. That Kelly has been hired to make more movies after this bomb is shocking, even if it was just The Box. After confronting Danny with my opinion of his recommendation, he told me that the first time he watched it, his reaction was somewhat similar. However, upon subsequent viewings he liked it more and more. There are apparently also a series of graphic novels that tell a prequel story that explains the main tale much better. That won't be something I undergo, however. I see too many films these days to bother checking under every nook and cranny for info and additional story to a film unless I REALLY liked the main material.

Southland Tales is not that film.

Move Along, There's No Oscar to See Here

Eastwood. It's a name synonymous with hard work, dedication and strength, both without and within. For nearly sixty years, Clint Eastwood has molded himself into one of the more celebrated and acclaimed performers of his or any time. His acting roles are iconic. Since winning his first Academy Awards for Unforgiven in 1992, he's become something of an Oscar darling, with his films garnering both critical and commercial success. Million Dollar Baby might be one day considered one of Hollywood's finest films ever. People still say he was snubbed for Gran Torino in 2008. In the past two decades he's simply become one of Hollywood's most important people, and even that isn't a stretch from where he had been before that. When he makes a movie, people see it.

You know he's unhappy because he can't sleep

So when I first saw the trailer for Hereafter, I was hooked. Matt Damon playing a man with a psychic connection to the afterlife who wants nothing to do with his mysterious power, as well as a narrative on our fear and beliefs concerning death, was a very interesting concept. Infinitely unique and anchored by Damon, the film looked sure to be one of the season's obvious award-winners. So when my friend Shannon invited me along to see this film opening weekend, I jumped at the opportunity to catch the film early and see one of my more anticipated films this season.

I see dead people

As I already mentioned, Damon plays former psychic George Lonegan. George, who somehow can communicate with souls in the afterlife, gave up his trade long ago when he decided that living a life surrounded by death simply wasn't for him. He's content working as a factory worker for much less pay than he'd made before, and considers his "gift" a curse, avoiding his brother's (Jay Mohr) attempts to get him back into the business. But George isn't the only main character in this film, as it is actually split into three concurrent storylines, the second of which involves a young British boy named Marcus (Frankie McLaren) who must cope with the tragic death of his twin brother Jason (George McLaren) and his mother's addiction to alcohol and heroin. Finally, French journalist Marie Lelay (Cecile de France) survives a tsunami while in Thailand and "dies" briefly, before being resurrected by rescuers. She feels that she made a connection to the afterlife, however, and wants to write a book about her experience, wondering what happens after we leave our mortal coils.

Psychics: Untold online dangers for kids

I mention that the film is in fact three stories happening simultaneously, though you know that with movies like this, the three characters will eventually meet somewhere towards the end of the story. However, before we reach that point, we sit through all this story in which each story has little to do with the other stories besides death being the contributing plotline. The film also features a very clockwork way of telling the story, where we take X amount of time to learn about Marie, then an equal time focusing on Jason before turning to George, then repeated ad infinitum. You start to notice this about halfway through, and that's when you start taking bets to see if the director will change tack and switch it around (he doesn't). Eastwood, while certainly talented, has never been a terribly original director, with his talents based on those before and around him. He makes great films, he just happens to make them in the same way everybody does.

Aww, a happy moment. Too bad they're French

Matt Damon retains the aura of greatness he's acquired in recent years, putting together a magnificent performance in the process. When George does his seance "thing", it's one hundred percent believable, and even when he's not, his character melds into the world trying to better himself, to be a better person than he believes his talent allows him to be. In fact, scenes between he and an attempted romance in Melanie (Bryce Dallas Howard) are some of the best scenes in the film. In respect to fairness, however, the biggest journey is actually covered by de France's character. Marie is haunted by her near-death experience but the journalist in her drives her to seek out and research the idea of an afterlife that sees her going against ideas she's carried her whole life with. Death is a taboo topic, she learns, but never stops her journey to spread what she learns. Though de France is a talented actress (and thankfully, most of her dialogue is in her native French with subtitles), she would have to be as domineering of the screen as Damon to keep our attention for long, and sadly, while she has the best story of the three, she simply doesn't have Damon's chops. Neither of the McLaren twins are particularly good actors, but since neither are trained performers this can be mostly overlooked and Eastwood definitely picked the more talented twin to play Marcus. Grieving for his brother and suffering in a foster home while his mother is in rehab, Marcus is incredibly lost and unable to move on with his life, trying any which way to reconnect with Jason. Though the least interesting of the three storylines, it does have some good moments, including one in which divine intervention seems to protect Marcus from being on the Underground rail when a bomb detonates on the train he failed to get on, saving his life. Good secondary performances by Howard, Richard Kind, Lyndsey Marshall and Thierry Neuvic, among a few others, round out a series of solid acting performances helmed solely and rightfully by Damon.

Why yes, I am @#^$ing Matt Damon

The story does vary the characters' unique interactions with the concept of death well, but it's still a concept that only goes so far. Besides the fact that you know by the end that the main characters will be meeting and interacting with one another, the film introduces many ideas that it never resolves. Indeed, for a film questioning life after death, it gives the barest of glimpses into the actual concept, instead wrapping a small version of it around Damon's visions and Marie's experience. Some of the more paranormal bits, though few, are a little overdone, and the ending is a mess, with no real conclusion, or at least not a satisfying one.

Okay, awkwaaard...

Clint Eastwood won't be snubbed at this year's award shows. Hereafter simply isn't a film good enough on it's own merits, let alone on the standards set by Million Dollar Baby, Unforgiven or even Changeling. Damon's award-worthy performance aside, it's a mediocre movie at best, taking an interesting idea and handicapping it by telling it with a story not quite worth the paper it's written on. Of his latest films, this one is by far the weakest (worse even than Letters from Iwo Jima), and is simply not Clint at his best. It's a shame to spoil a movie with so much potential. But hey, we can't all be lucky, punk.

Dead Men Walking

I really don't watch a lot of television.

No, really. Between my erratic work schedule and years of being disappointed by superior shows being brought down by declining talent (both acting and writing) or diminishing viewership, I just don't go out of my way to sit in front of the tube. Some of the best shows of the past decade (Battlestar Galactica, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Arrested Development) ended not by their own terms, but by cancellation, due to lack of enough people tuning in. One of my all-time favorite TV shows, The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr, lasted only a single year. Very often this means that I'm catching up to a series on DVD that I didn't tune in to the first time around, but I rarely automatically jump on bandwagons of any sort. So it takes something special for me to plunk myself down on the couch at a specified time for the sole reason of watching the premiere of any television show for an hour or even thirty minutes.

What a time to lose your contact!

AMC has hit gold of late. With the critical commercial success of original programming like the amazing Mad Men (which I'm currently catching up on) and Breaking Bad, which proved that the dad from Malcolm in the Middle COULD win awards with his talent, AMC has become the new big player on the TV network battlefield. The cable networks, which had been long dominated (and rightfully so) by HBO and Showtime's plethora of original programming, was ripe for a new kid on the block, and with new shows Rubicon and next year's The Killing, AMC's looking to move a few steps up to reaching that vaunted role. And when it was announced that they were bringing a popular movie genre to the small screen with The Walking Dead, I was intrigued and immediately hooked. Though it would certainly be a challenge to adjust the extremely violent genre to TV, even on cable, success would be unprecedented by any standards and keep me in my seat every week. When the premiere was due to air on Halloween night, I was curled up on the couch, anxiously waiting to see what the series would bring. It didn't disappoint.

Some scenes may make you regret uncovering your eyes

Based on the Image comic book series written by scribe Robert Kirkman (whose Marvel Zombies series is one of Marvel Comics' biggest hits of the past decade) and produced by suspense czar Frank Darabont and Gale Anne Hurd (who has produced some of my all-time favs, including Aliens, Terminator, and T2), The Walking Dead begins with a high-speed car chase that introduces us to Georgia-based sheriff's deputy Rick Grimes. Played by English actor Andrew Lincoln, Rick is an overall good guy, with his everyday problems. As we meet him, he's talking to his partner Shane (Jon Bernthal) about his problems at home and with his wife, Lori (Sarah Wayne Callies). Confused, unsure what he's doing wrong or how to fix it, I was deeply brought into his world, and could sympathize with the plight he put forth. Not long after this scene, Rick and Shane are involved in a high speed chase that tragically has Rick shot by the fleeing assailants. He's brought to a hospital where weeks later he finds the world has... changed. The hospital is abandoned, with little sign of the staff or patients who once had filled it's halls. When he leaves the hospital, he immediately finds himself surrounded by dead bodies left behind by the hundreds. And some of these dead bodies are still moving.

Horses against tanks? Where are we, Poland?

The first sixty minutes of the ninety-minute premiere focus on Rick getting oriented with the new world around him. After meeting some fellow survivors Morgan (Lennie James) and his son Duane (Adrian Kali-Turner), Rick (and by extension, all of us) learn everything we need to know about surviving this zombie holocaust, from the well-known (avoid getting bit, shoot 'em in the head) to specific situations concerning the series. Rick's family is gone, having apparently left when the madness started, and Rick goes on a quest to find them, deciding to start with the city of Atlanta, where the CDC and humanitarian aid is supposedly located to fix whatever this problem is. Despite these things seeming like simple bits, necessary to any zombie flick, what really makes this film unique are the characters. Lincoln is immediately likable as the resurrected hero Rick, and in his guest-starring role, James is a father grieving over the fate of his dead wife. James, who I loved during his stint in the first season of FOX's Human Target, does an excellent job in the role, getting to really delve into his emotional well to properly play the part. Lincoln I believe will be a consistent talent throughout the show's run, and his ability to truly convey the shock we would all feel if presented with this new realm of existence is a pleasant surprise for such an unknown actor (at least here in the States).

Awww, she just wants kisses!

The effects are also top-notch, with blood and gore used effectively to gross-out and frighten the weaker of heart, while the real scare veterans can be spooked by the seeming quiet, the wide open spaces that practically invite sudden, unexpected violence. Great camera work also abounds, as some of the best moments appear when the camera tilts ever so slightly so the audience catches a glimpse of what the characters on screen cannot. The zombie effects are excellent, with make-up and prosthetics as realistic as I've seen in any zombie flick, and seeing the zombies feed really hearkens back to the violence of the original Romero films of yesteryear. When you get right down to it, The Walking Dead looks like a modern horror film made for TV, and better than most.

Ain't no surviving the mean streets of Georgia

The pilot was not without it's problems, mostly with the story. When Rick wakes up in the hospital, it's not hard to think it cliched with so many zombie movies having hospital origins or destinations. This can be tracked back to 2003, when the comic was started and I'm sure 28 Days Later was still fresh in Kirkman's mind. Also, it's obvious that the last thirty minutes were written as a separate episode from the first ninety, and while I don't really have a problem with that, I do have issues with the show possibly only being a thirty-minute show in the future. The premise screams to me that it should be an hour-long show, but since I don't even know what the case is with that yet, I'm just picking at nits at this stage. So, yeah. As you can guess, there was very little not to like about this show.

Ma'am, stop biting that man!

I had a blast with The Walking Dead. Zombies have become popular again in all formats, from films and comics to video games like Left 4 Dead and Dead Rising, and now it's finally made it's way to television. I'm definitely going to keep watching the show and I'm also looking forward to checking out the graphic novels of the comic series, which I've always been aware of but never given it a thorough reading before now. If the show can keep up introducing us to fascinating characters while simultaneously bringing the love to the fans who made the zombie horror genre the success it has been and currently maintaining it in something of a new renaissance, then we as fans have little to worry about going forward. It's engaging, suspenseful, gory and thrilling, and I just know I'm going to have a hell of a time getting to sleep Sunday nights in the near future. Watch it and you'll see what I mean.

Seabiscuit's most important race to date

Oh, No Joe!

So it was a slow movie week for The Latest Issue. Tired, lazy, and with mediocre weather waiting outside for me, I decided to spend the day in the apartment, where I slowly went stir crazy for want of things to keep my interest. It was with this mindset that i decided that watching GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra on Netflix streaming was in fact a good idea, especially since the hype for last year's blockbuster hit did draw me in somewhat, if not enough to see it in the theaters.

Baroness is as deadly as she is seductive

Let me say first that I'm no GI Joe fan. I never had the toys as a kid, never followed the shows or comics, don't know much about the characters. I simply didn't grow up with them in my life, although I did know several kids who did and you could say I know what little I know about the toy line from them. I was more of a fan of other big 80's toy franchises: TMNT, Ghostbusters and Transformers were more up my alley. While Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow and the Baroness may be iconic characters to many, that simply is not the case for me. Perhaps that's why I thought I'd like Joe, since the expectations of the franchise's fans would not necessarily affect me in the same way it would others. Contented that I could not be disappointed in the film because my expectations were not high, I laid down on the couch for what I knew to be a mindless film but determined to see it through.

I should have set my expectations lower.

Oh, you two are fighting again SNORE

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a jumbled mish-mash of character interactions wrapped around a terribly cliched plot involving experimental warheads created by James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), a weapons dealer whose family historically tended to sell to both sides in armed conflicts. Naturally, of course, when this charismatic weapons dealer makes some warheads for the US that use nanotechnology to strip molecule by molecule whatever it comes in contact with, the military wants it and these weapons become the central plot point of the story, as soon they're stolen from us by the terrorist group COBRA, who intend world domination. The only ones who can stand in their way? A covert, multinational military force known only as GI Joe.

Rachel Nichol's direction: "Look attractive!"

I won't go on too much about the story since just thinking about Joe's simplistic plot starves my brain, but after being rescued by Joe after their convoy carrying the warheads is attacked by a COBRA unit, Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are recruited into the Joe program by General Hawk (Dennis Quaid) since Duke recognized and could supply information on the leader of the assault, the Baroness (Sienna Miller). The rest of the film has the two opponents fighting one another while decked out in form-fitting leather outfits while Ripcord puts out the occasional one-liner. Heavy Duty, indeed. The plot is a retread of better action films, but the filmmakers are hoping you're too entranced by the classic Joe characters that you'll hardly notice how an elite unit like Joe could be staffed for the most part by nameless cannon fodder easily taken out by a small COBRA strike team. It's plot holes like that that cause wrecks to form.

Poor Breaker, nobody loves you!

While acting is hardly the main focus on films such as this, you still want talented performers doing their jobs well. Tatum was one of the considerations to play the hero in 2011's Captain America film, and I can now see why - despite having the right look for the part - he wasn't offered the job. While perhaps not as wooden as some reviewers might think him, he certainly doesn't show the charm and talent required in your leading man. His Duke is supposed to be the ultimate hero of the tale, but we just keep wishing it had been someone else. If Miller did nothing more than look amazing with black hair, a leather catsuit and dual-wielding pistols, I frankly would have been just fine. Thankfully she does more than that, weaving a cruel and vindictive character that is unfortunately ruined by the script's story. Still, she correctly portrays the type of villain the Baroness was meant to be, when she is allowed to do so. Eccleston is both charismatic and sinister as the man who would be Destro. The actor, who's biggest role to this date is that of The Doctor in the first season of Syfy's Doctor Who, doesn't seem to be stretched too much in his performance. It's almost as if the role was written with him in mind, rather than him necessarily earning the part. Wayans can be a talented actor, don't get me wrong. His role in Requiem for a Dream opened a lot of people's eyes to his potential as a performer. He always picks the same parts in the same type of films, however: silly sidekick who can back up his talk. Typical Wayans role. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje left Lost because he didn't like the material but ended up making Joe instead as Heavy Duty. He basically plays the character most dismissive of the new blood, Duke and Ripcord. Yeah, that ain't a step up. Better is Rachel Nichols as Scarlet, though she does little more than play up her looks than display anything worthwhile character-wise. Storm Shadow (Byung-Hun Lee) and Snake-Eyes (Ray Park) are explored far too much as the director decided that they needed an epic flashback backstory to explain to the audience why they hate each other so much. Park is the kind of performer Hollywood calls on when they need a physical actor who says little to nothing in dialogue and must express himself in his actions, and Park does more of that here. Lee talks more, but for all the interest we invest in his character it doesn't come out to much, and by the end we're sick to death of their feud. Quaid actually has a pretty small role as General Hawk, he just appears every few minutes, for a few minutes, until the end of the movie.Anyone else is either passable or not worth mentioning.

A few other Joes make appearances: This is Cover Girl... COVER GIRL???

All of this might have been forgivable if the film had at least top-notch special effects, but it seems like even that was out of reach for a $150 million film. Though six special effects studios worked on the film, none were especially good, with the worst resulting in obvious CGI outdoor scenes involving futuristic airships or other paraphernalia. Though the scene of the missile attack on the Eiffel Tower is gorgeously-rendered, this example is the exception, not the rule. Fight scenes are also sub-par, with only an early Scarlet-Baroness fight resembling anything remotely entertaining, and anything involving Storm Shadow and Snake-Eyes droning on more of the same. Far too much of the action is shot so close that you can't tell what's happening on the screen. And when you add all this on to the fact that the film has very little in the realm of original thought (inventive character origins don't count), there just simply isn't anything to recommend this film to anyone besides die hard Joe fans, and even many of THEM would be upset by the fact that many of their favorite heroes didn't make the shortlist for the team's roster.

Storm Shadow or the Baroness: Who will get voted off the island?

Okay, I made a mistake. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is fun for about as long as it takes you to realize that the film has bad special effects, bad directing (Stephen Sommers' previous projects included The Mummy and Van Helsing, hsssssss), poor acting and lousy character development, with mediocre special effects and an ending that both tidys up things too much AND leaves too much leeway for a sequel (explain THAT one), one expected in the next year or so. I won't see that one in the theater either, though the fact that the screenwriters from Zombieland (which I loved) have been brought in to pen the next chapter makes me at least slightly hopeful. I may not be a GI Joe fan, but I am a movie fan, and when movies this bad are made it hurts, especially when I feel I could have spent that time watching something infinitely more worthwhile.

Got Some Red on Me

So last week I took the opportunity to catch Red in the theater. Loosely based on the three-issue comic series by DC comics, the action/comedy proved to have an entertaining trailer, and with such a cast as Willis, Freeman, Mirren and Malkovich it seemed to be one of the "can't-miss" films of the year. But would seeing Red make you see red?

The story apparently has little to do with that of the original comic series (which is fine, since I never read it) but centers around a group of retired former wetworks operatives codenamed RED (Retired, Extremely Dangerous) who are temporarily brought out of their relatively listless lives due to C.I.A. hit squads suddenly try to take out retired operative Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), and not in the date sense. In questing to find out why he's being targeted for death, Willis is joined by his former mentor Joe (Morgan Freeman), madman Marvin (John Malkovich), successfully retired S.A.S. agent Victoria (Helen Mirren), and Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker), a benefits worker who Frank has taken a liking to and is therefore also being targeted. The mission takes them to locales around the United States and proves that these folks can still perform like spring chickens when they need to.

Season's greetings!

The story here is a slightly unrealistic one involving conspiracy theories, government cover-ups, unlikely coincidences and unlikely romances. So it has to be held together by a band of characters and actors who can center the attention of the audience on themselves and make the story more palatable than it is. To that effort, it's commendable that this is in fact an amazing cast who work well together, from the big name stars to the lower tiered yet no less talented performers. Willis is usually not known for his pleasant demeanor on-screen. In fact, he does get his "yippie-ki-yay" game face on for much of the film. I don't know if it stems from working with older actors, however, but Willis somehow in Red gains something I've not seen from him in many of his performances: an almost boy-like wonder, especially when he's in scenes with his character's crush, Sarah. For once, he's not the top dog, at least not in all things, and it makes his character and his acting all the better. Malkovich is a hoot as a partially-psychotic former agent first seen hiding out in the Louisiana bayou. The part of Marvin was originally to be played by John C. Reilly, and while I've liked Reilly and can see him being successful in this type of role, he's simply outclassed by Malkovich in all aspects. Playing Marvin as defiant, schizophrenic, and, of course, paranoid of any number of possible conspiracies, Malkovich puts on one of his more memorable performances, certainly a step up from his last major role in the seriously underperforming Changeling. Of course, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you, and so his character turns out to at times be more insightful than he would be otherwise. I simply can't imagine anyone but Malkovich in that role. Mirren is fantastic, with looks that could kill (sorry, I couldn't resist) and the demeanor you would expect from a true secret agent. She really takes to the somewhat humorous role with the same professionalism as she has in her multiple-nominated roles in the films The Queen and The Last Station, not to mention dozens of other similarly-lauded roles over the course of her career. Both the irony of seeing such a serious actress wielding high-caliber machine guns and the perfection of seeing the same thing lend a lot of credence to her ability as an actress. Of the main four, only Morgan Freeman disappoints, as there's simply not enough for him to do with his role, with all the best bits belonging to Willis, Malkovich and Mirren.

Not sure what to make of this scene

I was prepared to dislike Parker in this. Obviously most people know the actress as Nancy Botwin on Showtime's Weeds, but it's easy to forget that she has a long career in film and television preceding this, as I did. Frankly, the only film I've seen her in was Red Dragon, and her role was so small that I had completely forgotten about her not long after the fact. However, she shines here as an initially reluctant sidekick to Frank who gradually gets more and more excited as the terror and thrill of sneaking around and blowing stuff up puts a heavy emphasis on how dull and boring her regular life is. Parker is funny both physically and in her verbal delivery, a dual trait not many can claim to master. Also good though underutilized is Karl Urban as a C.I.A. agent tasked with taking out Frank. Urban has long been under-appreciated by Hollywood, with last year's Star Trek being his biggest and best opportunity to showcase his talents, and damned if he didn't make the best Doc McCoy since Deforest Kelly. Hopefully his role in Red is simply a gateway to bigger things and not a return to more of the same because he's far too talented to keep perpetually on the shelf. Brian Cox makes a surprise appearance as a former Russian agent who Frank goes to for help. I didn't even recognize Cox at first, his transformation so complete that it took me nearly half the film before it struck me who was uttering his lines, and his ability to meld into his part - as well as his charismatic interaction with the other characters, especially Mirren - makes for a great performance. Ernest Borgnine is simply wonderful as a records-keeper at the Agency, and Richard Dreyfus does a good if hammy job in a small but important role as a weapons' dealer and smuggler who is somehow involved with the conspiracy. These supporting performances, in conjunction with the larger star-held roles, mean that there are no weak moments with less-interesting characters pitted throughout the film, and the enjoyment level never dips because of that.

"He's dead, Jim. I killed him."

But great characters can't entirely keep together a plot secured by duct tape and staples. While interesting, the story is barely able to keep momentum throughout the film, and truly falters in the final act, when humor alone seems to be sustaining the plot threads, not suspense or drama, or even suspension of disbelief. We're never under the assumption that Frank and his team won't achieve their objective (though they never really GET an objective until near the end of the film) and that, unfortunately, makes the final payoff much less than it could have been. Also, the humor involving young upstarts calling members of the team "old man" or "grandpa" get old after a few turns, though the heroes' humorous (and often quite violent) responses make up for a lackluster effort by the screenwriters to get a cheap laugh at an older character's expense. It's a shame, but when your director's previous work was the same one who made The Time Traveler's Wife (Robert Schwentke), you have to expect that things won't be as good as you want them to be.

So THAT'S what John Malkovich looks like!

For it's sake, I wish Red had been released earlier this year. If it had, I would have grouped it with several action or comedic films I'd seen this year that rated favorably on my 2010 Top 10 List such as Alice in Wonderland, The Losers, and Date Night, all of which at one point dotted the list. However, all those titles were eventually knocked off the list by better films, and so Red, though it compares favorably with all those films, is denied a it's chance in the sun. It has great characters, and I wouldn't be surprised to see Malkovich get a Golden Globe nom for his performance (though I'd never expect him to win it), but the plot is simply too jumpy and the story poorly told and filled with extremely silly bits. Is it funny? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Indeed. Can I recommend it to people who want a cheap and silly film to see? Sure. Is it one of the best films of the year? A "can't miss"?

Sorry, machine-gun Mirren, no.

End of the Line

If you've seen one of the Final Destination films, you've pretty much seen them all. Recap: while enjoying a group activity, one character has a vision of a future to come in which all the characters of the story suffer a grisly mass death due to a major calamity (airplane explosion, highway pile-up, roller coaster malfunction). When that person snaps back to reality, they freak out, causing many members of the group to leave or be ejected from the scenario in question before disaster strikes. Later, each survivor dies one-by-one in gory fashion in the order they were supposed to die in the "accident". Remaining survivors try to stop death from claiming what it believe rightfully belongs to it. When this idea was first introduced back in 2000, it was a unique idea executed with the maniacal glee of a mad scientist. It was also a great tweak on the genre of horror Roger Ebert would refer to as "dead teenager" films. But after two okay-if-not-good sequels, was there really any necessity to releasing a fourth film when the individualistic aspects of the film were all gone? And in 3D, no less? Maybe not, but with Redbox lacking in any other titles that I wanted to watch (How to Train Your Dragon and Robin Hood were both out), I bit the bullet and popped this flick in for a spin, figuring it couldn't be worse than some other films I've seen this year.

Get used to that confused look, you'll see it often

The Final Destination takes us to a new location for bystander homicide, this time a NASCAR speedway. Okay, it's actually called McKinley Speedway, and NASCAR's name is nowhere to be seen, but the writing is on the wall that far too many people seem to think they're perfectly safe at a race, when it's actually been proven that the "safety" fences and precautions that are in place to protect the viewing customer have little impact were disaster choosing to strike. Nick (Bobby Campo) is at the event with his girlfriend Lori (Shantel VanSanten) and his friends Janet (Haley Webb) and Hunt (Nick Zano) when he has a vision of a car crash spilling into the stands, killing him, his friends and most of the people in their section. When the vision ends, Nick panics and causes many people to leave the stadium right before the accident actually happens, sparing several lives. But as anyone who has seen these films before, death won't be cheated out of his prize.

Not quite the wet t-shirt reference I was going for, but okay

No reason has ever been given for why these people get these visions, and even through four films no clue to why this phenomena would exist to alter death's plan has been sought out. What IS shown, however, is how vengeful death can be, as often we're shown things like secure screws unfastening themselves or water moving seemingly independently of logical methods in order to make death seem like a malevolent force to be combated. In this way the Final Destination series has staked its territory, as death scenes are unique, unpredictable, and while not unexpected, often pace things out and change direction at a moment's notice to keep the audience on their toes. Who, if they've seen them, can forget, Kristen Cloke's death scene in the original film, involving burning alcohol, an exploding computer, and a chopping knife? Or Final Destination 3's "death by tanning bed"? Rarely are these executions short and sweet, as they're often brutal, bloody and unmerciful to the recipient, with few exceptions. The only real problem with the series as a whole is it's uselessness. In sequels, often mention is made of survivors at the end of previous incarnations having died in "accidents" despite thinking they had foiled death's plans.

Add a little seasoning, and he's ALMOST ready!

If only that was the only problem with this film. despite some intriguing death scenes, The Final Destination brings us the most uninteresting group of people targeted by death in a film from this series yet. With the exception of the main foursome, only a security guard (Mykelti Williamson) with a history of drinking and a dead family is explored in any capacity by the film's script. The other survivors are either unlikable, uninteresting, or unexplored at all until it's their time to die. The film follows the now-predictable format of each character dying in the order they were supposed to perish in the original plan. This leads to several futile chases as Nick and Lori try to intercept the next person on the list before death can take them. While, as I've said, the death scenes are mostly interesting, they as a whole are not as good as those in previous films. In fact, one death is actually repeated late in the film, making one wonder if the writers simply gave up from lack of imagination. Also, the filmmakers tried to really work the 3D angle, making gore and explosions really pop out to the audience, which is noticeable even in a 2D situation, as was my experience. These effects might have been more impressive in 3D, however, as on DVD they are simply more obvious than anything else.

3D makes you feel like you really WERE impaled by a steel beam!

The acting is about what you'd expect from the third sequel to a film that didn't have any great acting to begin with (though the original was a launching pad for Ali Larter and Sean William Scott). Campos gets better as the film goes along, but his character is neurotic, nerdy and not very confident in front of the camera. It hearkens back to Devon Sawa's character in the original, but doesn't make for an interesting lead role. VanSanten, who plays his girlfriend, is not very independent. She generally goes along with whatever Campos' character says should be done, and VanSanten is simply not interesting enough an actress to make that work. Webb, who plays a bitchy friend, and Zano, who plays a douche-y friend, don't inspire the audience to want them to live throughout the film. Mykelti Williamson is the best of the bunch as a recovering alcoholic who mourns the accidental deaths of his wife and child due to his drinking. But acting-wise, it seems like Williamson doesn't care much for the story here and simply follows the script like a yellow brick road until the end. The only other character worth mentioning is former Baywatch star Krista Allen as a MILF (their word, not mine) who survives the initial disaster. Her one scene to shine is done well, but there's a reason she's not known for much more than her pretty face.

Whoop, she's defiant. That means she's about to die

With a lousy script, cast, and 3D conversion, The Final Destination is trite, hollow, and only exciting at all when someone is about to be killed off. These moments are few and far between however, and the lack of interesting characters means that even those deaths mean little compared to the other films in the series. This should have been the final entry into the Final Destination memoirs, but the film's unexpected success (it's the most financially successful film in the franchise to date) means that despite the horrible reviews that accompanied it to the ball, it didn't dance it's final dance. So thank you, Warner Brothers, for taking something that should be dead now and reviving it once again for cheap gain. I can only imagine the horrible acting and vague differences in plot you conjure up for the next entry. It's a shame, since I liked the first three films in the series, but it's time to put this one to sleep, and live up to the full meaning of the film's title.

Don't play on escalators, kids!