Average JOE

It looked like GI Joe: Retaliation was doing all the right things when it was getting ready for release early last year. After the uneven mess that was 2009's GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, it was obvious that any sequels would have to make some massive changes to even come close to the success of its predecessor. Gone were director Stephen Sommers and most of the cast, including Rachel Nichols, Damon Wayans, Dennis Quaid, Sienna Miller, Christopher Eccleston and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. In Sommers' place was the inspired choice of  John M. Chu, whose previous works included the dance-heavy Step Up sequels and the 3D concert title Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. While Channing Tatum was returning for the sequel, it was obvious to everybody that he was going to get offed quickly to help pave the way for newcomers D.J. Cotrona, Adrianne Palicki, Elodie Yung and established stars Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis. While the Joe franchise as a whole has seen better days, Retaliation looked to at least kick it up to minimum respectability when it was to come out last July.

Don't get used to that guy on the left...

But two things happened that caused studio Paramount Pictures to delay until this past weekend. The first was the rise to stardom of Tatum. When the first GI Joe was released, the actor was still feeling his way through movies, and as a result he was responsible for some of the most wooden, dry performances of the past decade. His performance in the 2009 tentpole flick was a prime example, and it was one of the worst parts of the whole experience. But in 2012, Tatum broke out. While I never saw it, The Vow cemented his status as a romantic icon, and his work in three other exciting projects that solidified his hold on Hollywood: the low budget action flick Haywire, the hilarious 21 Jump Street and the Chippendales drama Magic Mike. Suddenly, the knee-jerk choice to kill off former cornerstone Duke seemed like a dumb move, and while it couldn't be wiped completely, time was taken to add some extra Tatum content to the beginning of Retaliation.

I like Cobra Commander's look much more this time around.

The second event was the crash and burn of Battleship, a similar action movie that nobody except studio heads thought to take seriously. Most damning about this failed blockbuster was that it was one of the few modern action flicks in recent years to eschew 3D visuals completely. That not only contributed to its domestic disappointment (lower ticket prices), but hurt it in the international market, where 3D hasn't yet lost its sheen. Retaliation was originally set to be released with no 3D, but facing diminishing returns and facing direct competition from big-budget movies The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-Man and The Dark Knight Rises (two of which were also 3D), the studio decided last-minute to utilize the technology to rectify that situation. Unfortunately, that meant waiting another eight months for a movie that was already on thin ice, hoping that perhaps Retaliation would be worth the wait.

Ninjas. Why did there have to be ninjas?

Talking place after the events of The Rise of Cobra, military organization GI Joe has maintained its position atop the worlds' covert military teams. But when the team is framed and then all but wiped out by their own government (under the orders of The President who is actually an enemy COBRA agent), the few survivors band together to try and uncover their plans. Roadblock (Johnson), Lady Jaye (Palicki) and Flint (Cotrona) are alone against the world, having to move between the shadows to avoid drawing attention to themselves. But even the best the Joes have to offer might not be enough when they are considered enemies of the state, and their own government has a weapon that threatens to topple the delicate balance of world power forever, and with endless destructive capability.

One of the coolest characters in both movies.

There is a lot more to like in Retaliation than there ever was in the first film, and you can't talk about what's right without pointing right at the special effects. Last time out, we were subjected to six SFX studios doing their best to out-disappoint one another, but here the effects shine as action sequences and explosions are much, MUCH prettier to take in. The fight scenes are not perfect (like most action directors, Chu keeps to camera WAY too close to the action), but for the most part they are effective enough, especially on the big IMAX screens. The sequence with ninjas rappelling across snow-covered mountaintops is especially exciting, though your mileage where ninjas are involved may vary. There are also some very good characters, from Johnson's charismatic leader Roadblock to the COBRA swordsman Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) to Palicki's covert operations expert Lady Jaye. At it's best, Retaliation does a better job of keeping your eyes glued to the screen than any action movie so far in 2013.

Obligatory "Team Success" strut.

But for every cool moment the movie throws out there, there are two or three smaller bits that will drive you crazy. The Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow (a returning and still silent Ray Park) storyline, which had been the albatross around the neck of the first film, is better but is still almost laughably separate from the rest of the movie. It takes its most ridiculous form in the sadly necessary exposition commentary by hip-hop artist/filmmaker RZA that is so bad it makes his performance in The Man with the Iron Fist look like Shakespeare's greatest hits. Other actors - most notably Yung, Cotrona and even Willis - have painfully little to do, as the story is so bloated with side-stories, unnecessary characters and plot twists that little things like "character development" and "plot progression" often take a backseat to the next action scene. It's sad when  you bring in such a celebrated action star as Bruce Willis just to have him sit on the sidelines and spit out unnecessary one-liners (and didn't the last Die Hard already do that?). And that shot of the rampant destruction of London? Arguably the most intense moment in the trailer? It lasts a grand total of ten seconds, and is never, EVER revisited once it's done.

Consider this Road Blocked.

Make no mistake; GI Joe: Retaliation is a HUGE step above The Rise of Cobra, and does a lot to redeem the film franchise from the damage done by its predecessor. But while it's undeniably more fun than the original, it's still a long way from being a truly self-sustaining movie franchise, most notably because only die-hard JOE fans really care all that much, and those are definitely dwindling in numbers. Still, while the film is way too dumb and implausible to be taken seriously, this is also a huge part of its undeniable charm. Will you like this movie? It entirely depends on how tolerable you are towards dumb action flicks loosely based on childrens' toy lines, because that's exactly what we have here. Expect anything more, and you'll be sorely disappointed.

Oh, No Joe!

So it was a slow movie week for The Latest Issue. Tired, lazy, and with mediocre weather waiting outside for me, I decided to spend the day in the apartment, where I slowly went stir crazy for want of things to keep my interest. It was with this mindset that i decided that watching GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra on Netflix streaming was in fact a good idea, especially since the hype for last year's blockbuster hit did draw me in somewhat, if not enough to see it in the theaters.

Baroness is as deadly as she is seductive

Let me say first that I'm no GI Joe fan. I never had the toys as a kid, never followed the shows or comics, don't know much about the characters. I simply didn't grow up with them in my life, although I did know several kids who did and you could say I know what little I know about the toy line from them. I was more of a fan of other big 80's toy franchises: TMNT, Ghostbusters and Transformers were more up my alley. While Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow and the Baroness may be iconic characters to many, that simply is not the case for me. Perhaps that's why I thought I'd like Joe, since the expectations of the franchise's fans would not necessarily affect me in the same way it would others. Contented that I could not be disappointed in the film because my expectations were not high, I laid down on the couch for what I knew to be a mindless film but determined to see it through.

I should have set my expectations lower.

Oh, you two are fighting again SNORE

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a jumbled mish-mash of character interactions wrapped around a terribly cliched plot involving experimental warheads created by James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), a weapons dealer whose family historically tended to sell to both sides in armed conflicts. Naturally, of course, when this charismatic weapons dealer makes some warheads for the US that use nanotechnology to strip molecule by molecule whatever it comes in contact with, the military wants it and these weapons become the central plot point of the story, as soon they're stolen from us by the terrorist group COBRA, who intend world domination. The only ones who can stand in their way? A covert, multinational military force known only as GI Joe.

Rachel Nichol's direction: "Look attractive!"

I won't go on too much about the story since just thinking about Joe's simplistic plot starves my brain, but after being rescued by Joe after their convoy carrying the warheads is attacked by a COBRA unit, Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are recruited into the Joe program by General Hawk (Dennis Quaid) since Duke recognized and could supply information on the leader of the assault, the Baroness (Sienna Miller). The rest of the film has the two opponents fighting one another while decked out in form-fitting leather outfits while Ripcord puts out the occasional one-liner. Heavy Duty, indeed. The plot is a retread of better action films, but the filmmakers are hoping you're too entranced by the classic Joe characters that you'll hardly notice how an elite unit like Joe could be staffed for the most part by nameless cannon fodder easily taken out by a small COBRA strike team. It's plot holes like that that cause wrecks to form.

Poor Breaker, nobody loves you!

While acting is hardly the main focus on films such as this, you still want talented performers doing their jobs well. Tatum was one of the considerations to play the hero in 2011's Captain America film, and I can now see why - despite having the right look for the part - he wasn't offered the job. While perhaps not as wooden as some reviewers might think him, he certainly doesn't show the charm and talent required in your leading man. His Duke is supposed to be the ultimate hero of the tale, but we just keep wishing it had been someone else. If Miller did nothing more than look amazing with black hair, a leather catsuit and dual-wielding pistols, I frankly would have been just fine. Thankfully she does more than that, weaving a cruel and vindictive character that is unfortunately ruined by the script's story. Still, she correctly portrays the type of villain the Baroness was meant to be, when she is allowed to do so. Eccleston is both charismatic and sinister as the man who would be Destro. The actor, who's biggest role to this date is that of The Doctor in the first season of Syfy's Doctor Who, doesn't seem to be stretched too much in his performance. It's almost as if the role was written with him in mind, rather than him necessarily earning the part. Wayans can be a talented actor, don't get me wrong. His role in Requiem for a Dream opened a lot of people's eyes to his potential as a performer. He always picks the same parts in the same type of films, however: silly sidekick who can back up his talk. Typical Wayans role. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje left Lost because he didn't like the material but ended up making Joe instead as Heavy Duty. He basically plays the character most dismissive of the new blood, Duke and Ripcord. Yeah, that ain't a step up. Better is Rachel Nichols as Scarlet, though she does little more than play up her looks than display anything worthwhile character-wise. Storm Shadow (Byung-Hun Lee) and Snake-Eyes (Ray Park) are explored far too much as the director decided that they needed an epic flashback backstory to explain to the audience why they hate each other so much. Park is the kind of performer Hollywood calls on when they need a physical actor who says little to nothing in dialogue and must express himself in his actions, and Park does more of that here. Lee talks more, but for all the interest we invest in his character it doesn't come out to much, and by the end we're sick to death of their feud. Quaid actually has a pretty small role as General Hawk, he just appears every few minutes, for a few minutes, until the end of the movie.Anyone else is either passable or not worth mentioning.

A few other Joes make appearances: This is Cover Girl... COVER GIRL???

All of this might have been forgivable if the film had at least top-notch special effects, but it seems like even that was out of reach for a $150 million film. Though six special effects studios worked on the film, none were especially good, with the worst resulting in obvious CGI outdoor scenes involving futuristic airships or other paraphernalia. Though the scene of the missile attack on the Eiffel Tower is gorgeously-rendered, this example is the exception, not the rule. Fight scenes are also sub-par, with only an early Scarlet-Baroness fight resembling anything remotely entertaining, and anything involving Storm Shadow and Snake-Eyes droning on more of the same. Far too much of the action is shot so close that you can't tell what's happening on the screen. And when you add all this on to the fact that the film has very little in the realm of original thought (inventive character origins don't count), there just simply isn't anything to recommend this film to anyone besides die hard Joe fans, and even many of THEM would be upset by the fact that many of their favorite heroes didn't make the shortlist for the team's roster.

Storm Shadow or the Baroness: Who will get voted off the island?

Okay, I made a mistake. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is fun for about as long as it takes you to realize that the film has bad special effects, bad directing (Stephen Sommers' previous projects included The Mummy and Van Helsing, hsssssss), poor acting and lousy character development, with mediocre special effects and an ending that both tidys up things too much AND leaves too much leeway for a sequel (explain THAT one), one expected in the next year or so. I won't see that one in the theater either, though the fact that the screenwriters from Zombieland (which I loved) have been brought in to pen the next chapter makes me at least slightly hopeful. I may not be a GI Joe fan, but I am a movie fan, and when movies this bad are made it hurts, especially when I feel I could have spent that time watching something infinitely more worthwhile.