Going After Bilbo

Well, THAT was fun.

Like most of the northeast, I was subject to the whims of mother nature as the blizzard affectionately known as "Nemo" tore through the area and was easily the heaviest snowstorm I've personally lived through. It was probably the biggest since the legendary storm of '78, a blizzard my parents have referred to in stories for nearly 35 years. Though I've seen my share of wonky winter weather, this was the first time (in my memory) that not only was the T (the local transit) shut down as a precaution, but remained offline ALL WEEKEND due to extensive cleanup. Yes, Hurricane Sandy also shut down the T when it rushed through last year, but service was back up and running the NEXT DAY, so it really wasn't a hindrance. Naturally, that means one simple thing: I sure as hell did not get out to the movie theater over the weekend.

Fortunately a little snow did nothing to change the fortunes of Identity Thief, directed by Horrible Bosses' Seth Gordon and starring Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy. With so few mature comedies in theaters right now (Bullet to the Head doesn't count), this was the right time for something offbeat and offensive to make itself known. It's also Melissa McCarthy's first major starring role, and her first big one since blowing (there's my storm pun, folks) everybody away with her Academy Award-nominated spot in Bridesmaids. If there's any comedic actor ready to break out on her own right now, it's McCarthy, and her presence is the main reason anybody should be giving this flick a shot.

Honestly, does that EVER work?

When financial expert Sandy Bigelow Patterson (Jason Bateman) is informed by his credit card company that he has gone over his limit, he is confused. After all, he knows for a fact that he never came close to his limit, as he's being fiscally responsible for his family. Then, when he is arrested by Colorado police and informed that he missed his court date in Florida - a state he's never even visited - the evidence becomes clear; Sandy's identity has been stolen by Diana (McCarthy), a Florida resident and professional con artist. With the authorities unable and unwilling to help, Sandy finds himself traveling to the southeast, where his only hope is to force Diana to confess to her crimes. But he's not the only one chasing her, as an assortment of people not only want the foul-mouthed thief for themselves, but buried six feet under as well.

Would you trust that face?

Despite a talented cast (Besides Bateman and McCarthy, there's also Amanda Peet, Jon Favreau, Genesis Rodriguez, Eric Stonestreet and Robert Patrick) and an intriguing premise, I couldn't quite get into Identity Thief, at least not for the first few acts. Most strained is the humor, which usually relies on two types: physical and sexual. While Horrible Bosses churned out at least one good laugh per scene, you can sit through most of this picture without even cracking a smile, frankly unacceptable for an R-rated comedy. The fault likely lies less with the director Gordon and more with screenwriter Craig Mazin, whose "best" work includes The Hangover Part 2, Superhero Movie and the last two Scary Movies. Each scene feels completely independent of the others, as if each one were a bad SNL skit featuring the same two performers. Instead of telling a cohesive story, we're subjected to gag after gag while the director waits for something to stick. It never does, and as a result the movie flounders very, VERY quickly.

McCarthy and Stonestreet in one of Identity Thief's few redeeming scenes.

But where the humor doesn't necessarily come through, there are some bits that make seeing Identity Thief almost worth it. Reason number one is McCarthy, who fully justifies her first leading role with a character that manages to defy the limitations of the script. While McCarthy manages to garner sympathy and understanding from the audience, she never goes so far as to justify her absolutely wrong actions. Striking that delicate balance is a true feat, and one we can expect to see from the actress in the future; while she excels at the physical humor and witty repartee, it's when she actually forces her character to break that mold and command a scene with pure acting skills that you can see how talented she really is. The rest of the cast are decent but unimaginative. Bateman plays his usual blend of snarky/professional, and while he's still a likable sort I'd love to see him break out and try something truly different. Meanwhile, Peet and Favreau are undeveloped, Rodriguez is stifled in a small role that doesn't take advantage of her talent, and Stonestreet - whose appearance signifies the film's first genuinely pleasant sequence - is sadly underutilized. Only Robert Patrick as a violent bounty hunter is remotely interesting, and he like the others appears both randomly and not enough to make a real impact. Besides, it's another case of Patrick playing to his type instead of against it.

No, no... just let her go.

Unfortunately, McCarthy and a solid final act cannot right a capsized ship, and that's the unfortunate truth of Identity Thief. Humor that doesn't work will still kill a comedy even if the players you bring in do the absolute best they can. The cast and crew do what they can, but for a good McCarthy flick we might have to wait until she teams up with Sandra Bullock in The Heat, which is just a few months away. Until then, Identity Thief is the #7 movie of the year, which wouldn't be such a bad spot if it wasn't behind Texas Chainsaw 3D. That's much lower than it should have been especially with the talent involved. This is a movie that steals whatever it can, most notably two hours of your time. Do yourselves a favor and wait for the DVD.

Bad... Just Bad

Sometimes as a film reviewer I absolutely KNOW when I'm going to hate a movie well before I've purchased a ticket for entry. While some films have surprised me as to the levels of their suckitude, such as Sucker Punch, many more have met expectations well below even baseline standards, their ranks flush with titles like The Eagle, Your Highness, and Red Riding Hood. At a certain point I can only justify so much, and often I go into a theater knowing that I won't emerge pleased with the experience, ready to warn you my readers of crimes against your sensibilities and your wallets. Bad Teacher is another in that growing list of titles in which I knew any preexisting standards would be too high. For one, I can't think of a single film I'VE seen where Cameron Diaz has proven her star status. Sure, she was good in The Mask, but what has she done lately that has been remotely interesting? Secondly, the trailers seemed to rely on vulgarity over anything actually comedic, a sad trend to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Finally, the story that was presented came down to a complete insult to educators in general, portraying the "hero" of the tale as someone who doesn't care at all about her students, only bothering with them when there's something in it for her. As someone who is friends with teachers and holds great respect for the work they do, I couldn't help but feel like this subversive fantasy paints these hard-working sorts in a negative light with little to no redemption on the horizon.

So who's the bigger tool?

Elizabeth Halsey (Diaz) dislikes her chosen profession as a teacher, a career that she for some reason at one point chose. After a failed engagement to a rich sucker ended an early attempt to quit teaching, Elizabeth is forced to return to the classroom she hates. Determined to escape, she tries to gain the attentions of the new substitute teacher Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), who has a substantial family fortune, and to that end is trying to save up for a super expensive boob job. Elizabeth is confronted on many sides, however; the teacher across the hall, Amy Squirrell (Lucy Punch), suspects the worst in Elizabeth, while gym teacher Russell Gettis (Jason Segel) vies for her affections.

Diaz won this year's "Wrinkled Fish" competition hands down

I'm really not sure where the appeal for this type of film lies. It's certainly not in the storytelling, which is haphazard and all over the place like a drunk driver on New Year's Day. That's an appropriate comparison to Elizabeth, who is so unlikable that it's amazing that she's portrayed as the hero of the tale, not to mention a potential romantic interest for not one but two characters. Is it me, or is the whole notion of the "good guy" being the person who has no compulsion to help her students out of the goodness of her heart while the "bad guy" is one who actually has the interests and well-being of the children in mind completely insane? Not helping matters is the focus of the film. Concentrating on the three least sympathetic characters does Bad Teacher no favors, with the story and dialogue failing to provide amusement through either comedy or commentary. There's nothing here about the rigors, excitement or rewards of being a teacher; students are mere caricatures and the people making up the faculty aren't much better.

The most balls the film can muster

A little bit of humanity wouldn't have hurt, especially distributed among the main cast. What attracted Diaz to this offensive role is in serious question, as she usually chooses more audience-friendly fare in which to be seen, such as the crowd-pleasing Charlie's Angels. I guess she liked the idea of being part in such a foul-mouthed comedy, but there's very little to the character Elizabeth Halsey that is either challenging or deep. Diaz is fine as a uncaring educator, but this is just more proof of a low-ceiling role that Diaz takes to make a buck while neglecting to challenge herself, which is why she's not and will never be a top-flight talent. Timberlake is similarly wasted, as even his trademark charm does him no good with the realization that his character is a brainless tool, deserving of neither Elizabeth's nor our admiration. Unlike last year's Social Network, which utilized near the entirety of Timberlake's charisma, there's no reason this film couldn't have cast a nobody performer; the audience probably wouldn't have noticed the difference. Punch is the best of the three, but of course her character is villainized due solely to her opposing Elizabeth. She does get a few moments to shine, but she's neither a well-known enough actress nor particularly consistent enough to engage us.

No, those aren't Muppets with Segel, but I can see what you're talking about

It's with the secondary characters of Bad Teacher where you can start to see where things could have gone right for the film. Jason Segel is great in his smallish role of the gym teacher with interests in Elizabeth. Segel does a great job with these "nice guy" roles, further evidenced here with a character that is as fun to watch as he is underutilized. This also comes through as the film uses its smaller roles to inflict its best impacts upon the audience, with Modern Family's Eric Stonestreet, The Office's Phyllis Smith, and Reno 911's Thomas Lennon sharing not only the best dialogue and comedic elements, but the film's best overall acting talent with Segel

Why do I suddenly have Fountains of Wayne going through my head?

I could go on for paragraphs about the twisted morality of rooting between the characters of Elizabeth and Amy Squirrell, but I have no interest in giving this film more attention than it deserves. Among the worst that 2011 has so far offered, Bad Teacher could have been more than the obtuse, crude fantasy for the teachers out there who really hate their jobs, but not by much. This is likely the worst from director Jake Kasdan, and since he was responsible for the farce that was Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, that says a lot about what I thought of this Bad Teacher. There are a lot of forgivable crimes in the world of film and Hollywood, but a comedy that isn't funny doesn't get a lot of respect or leniency from me, and it shouldn't from you, either.