A Reflective Review

Right now it's difficult to guess how 2012 will be remembered in terms of its contribution to the world of film. Especially this early in the year, there just hasn't been one movie that stood out so greatly as to make someone stand up and say that THIS is the year to be a film buff. Much as I loved 21 Jump Street, when the best film so far this year was a parody sequel to a 80's-90's cop drama you have to admit that there are serious problems in Hollywood so far this year. Despite the industry's inability to consistently put out a quality product, there have been some newsworthy events this year, the most noticeable so far being that two adaptations of the classic Grimm fairy tale 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' are getting released to the big screen. Universal Pictures' Snow White and the Huntsman, starring Young Adult's Charlize Theron, Twilight's Kristen Stewart and Thor's Chris Hemsworth, is a very adult take on the story, and is due to be released on June 1'st. Well before that however, is the more family-friendly Mirror Mirror, starring American sweetheart Julia Roberts and up-and-coming actress Lily Collins, released on March 30'th. While I hope 2012 isn't ultimately remembered for simply releasing two 'Snow White' films (as well as for a prophetic end of the world vis a vis the Mayan calendar; that's just obvious), I do admit a passing interest in seeing how Relativity Media handled their effort, and what the filmmakers would do to make this particular adaptation different from all the rest.

Your parents always warned you not to take candy from strangers... they never covered apples.

In a magical, far away land, vain Queen Clementianna (Roberts) rules her kingdom with an iron fist, spending the contents of treasury to the point of destitution on researching methods to keep her young-looking and beautiful. She has nothing but contempt for her step-daughter Snow White (Collins), who she keeps confined to the castle in order to control her and the kingdom. When handsome and rich Prince Alcott (Hammer) visits from a neighboring prosperous land, Clementianna hatches a plan to marry the young prince so that she and her rule can be kept afloat by his inherited wealth. This idea goes awry when Alcott meets and becomes smitten with Snow White, for which the Queen has her banished to the woods, left to die. Fortunately, she comes upon seven dwarfs, whom the queen cast out and who live as bandits preying on the nobles passing through their territory. They take in the wayward princess, and after a time they train her to become a bandit like them. With her new found allies, Snow White strikes back at the evil Queen, desperate to return the land to one of peace, prosperity and celebration, as it was when she was a child.

"I like Julia Roberts' films THIS much!"

Let's get this out of the way quickly and loudly: Mirror Mirror is the WORST movie I've seen in 2012. At first I wasn't quite sure of this prognosis; up to this point Ghost Rider had earned most of my enmity, and for good reason. As far as most superhero films go, a low threshold of quality is often necessary for enjoyment. But Nicolas Cage's film was a special brand of bad, where many of its worst scenes were unintentionally funny, and where the lack of believable plot, dialogue and acting were just on the cusp of becoming charming. Ghost Rider failed in that the main character had no good bad guys, no good allies, and no good representation in the starring role. That Mirror Mirror makes all of that look like genius really says how I feel about this fairy tale massacre.

"I win the prize for being tallest AGAIN? Oh, how wonderful!"

So what is so bad about this film? Well, let's go down the list. There's no reason Tarsem Singh should have been tapped to make this movie. Singh's career is one built on psychological thrillers like The Cell and little-known The Fall. His last entry, 2011's Immortals, was a fun if VERY adult sword and sorcery epic. So how does this guy go from mature fare to a PG-rated fairy tale adaptation? The answer in an honest world is that he doesn't; you keep directors like this as far as you can from family fare. Look at what happened when M. Night Shyamalan adapted the popular childrens' show Avatar: The Last Airbender to the big screen: even his most loyal fans abandoned him in droves, perhaps realizing just how much of a hack he had become. Singh is similarly ill-suited to making a film for the youth of the world, his eye for the story so poor that you have to wonder just where any studio executive thought he was doing a good job. From the poorly-conceived animated opener to a lamely-executed Bollywood-inspired finale, Singh proves that he should stick to the thrillers and action movies, leaving childrens' movies to those that know what they're doing.

"He turned it sideways! Kill shot! That's a kill shot!" (name that movie!)

The people around whom this film revolves are also nothing special. As this was something of a unique take on a classic tale, it would have been nice to see some genuine variation when it came to the makeup of the main characters. Instead we have Julia Roberts as a largely brainless tyrant whose grip on power seems completely illogical. She's bankrupted her kingdom solely through beauty treatments to keep her looking young, and the joke is that it hasn't. Of course it's not enough to make her vain; that would just make her like 90% in Hollywood. That's why she's also foolish, spiteful and her actions make her undeniably evil. If only a real actress had been put in the role; while Charlize Theron looks to be completely made of malice for the upcoming Snow White film, Roberts seems incapable of turning off her charm while playing the supposedly wicked stepmother here. The portrayal of the Dwarfs are not much better, as not one of the seven can stretch out of the narrow confines of their characters. The film at least wisely hired from the comedic side of the pool of small actors, and many will recognize faces such as Seinfeld's Danny Woodburn, Pirates of the Caribbean's Martin Klebba and Are You There, Chelsea's Mark Povinelli with ease. Still, despite hiring talented performers, the story does little to expand upon their roles and instead forces them down linear paths with no hope of deviation. But that's not the worst thing the film offers. The absolute lowest contribution Mirror Mirror can offer is to inflict upon us the overly-thick eyebrows of Lily Collins as the literally-named Snow White. The daughter of musician Phil Collins, Lily has gotten a reputation as an actress to look out for. I find myself agreeing, but for wholly different reasons; two of the worst releases of 2011 were the graphic novel-based Priest and Taylor Lautner vehicle Abduction, films that also featured Collins in significant roles. Sure, you could argue that Collins had supporting parts in both of those films and cannot be held responsible for their failures, but when you combine those with her emotionless, dreadfully dull take on this film's main protagonist, she starts to look less like the second coming of Amanda Seyfried and perhaps instead the next Paris Hilton. She should stick to smaller roles in the future before attempting another shot at leading a major motion picture.

Whichever one wins, we lose.

It's not ALL bad, however, just mostly. A strong showing by comedian Nathan Lane helps liven things a bit when he is actually allowed to contribute, and while Roberts' charm is miscast it also does help make up for that fact by lightening the atmosphere of the film to a reasonable degree. But the best thing about Mirror Mirror is without a doubt Armie Hammer, playing the charming Prince Alcott. In yet another case of poor film choices, Hammer is once again the best thing to happen to a bad movie. Two years ago it was the good-but-overrated The Social Network. In 2011 it was the forgettable J Edgar. Next year promises his pairing with Johnny Depp in The Lone Ranger. Once Hammer gets that great movie, he will be unstoppable. Until then, he's undervalued for the talent and class he brings to the big screen.

Dear lord, those eyebrows are just KILLING me!

Finally, Mirror Mirror portrays itself as a comical take on the classic story, but fails at being remotely funny. While some of Singh's changes were at least inspired (the trailers allude to Snow White rescuing the Prince instead of vice versa), the effort feels unrealized when all is said and done. Maybe it would have been better if the filmmakers had at least TRIED to expand upon those ideas instead of settling things as they did. Poor special effects seal the deal, and Mirror Mirror makes a name for itself as just the second film this year I would actually call "bad" in polite conversation (I have plenty of choice epithets for when I don't need to be so kind). Definitely not worth the effort it took to make and certainly not worth your hard-earned time and money, you'd be better off taking your family to the animated The Lorax or even Journey 2, which is still playing in some locations. See these twice if it means you don't have to watch Mirror Mirror. Trust me on this; you'll thank me later.

Brawl of the Gods

They just don't make sword and sorcery epics like this.

Well, to be fair, they've never really made sword and sorcery films like this in the past, period. 3D epics are a relatively new thing in this day and age, beginning with 2010's remake of Clash of the Titans, and continuing this year with the Conan the Barbarian and now Immortals. It was this newest title that drew me to the theater quite recently, the latest release amid a season in which very few films have done much to stand out from a sea of mediocrity. Trying to solve that problem with gore, sex, and the face of the upcoming Superman reboot, Immortals had the potential to fall somewhere between the huge strides that the similarly-violent 300 made in 2006 and the crater left from the Conan sequel. In other words, it really could have gone anywhere. I personally was interested in seeing how this title would translate to 3D, and whether British lead Henry Cavill would prove able to lead a major motion picture two years before Man of Steel hits the big screen. I hadn't heard any good things heading in, but that's hardly a new concept, and I wanted to judge for myself whether this title would deserve remembrance years from now.

Robin Hood and her merry men, no doubt.

In the ancient past, a war amongst immortal beings was waged, with the two sides discovering that they could indeed kill their formerly invincible foes. When all was said and done, the victors christened themselves Gods and reigned high on Mt. Olympus. The vanquished were resigned to imprisonment in Mt. Tartatus, called Titans. Now the evil King of Crete, Hyperion (Mickey Rourke), seeks the fabled Epirus Bow, a weapon designed to release the Titans from their imprisonment and set them loose upon the world. The only people standing in his way are Theseus (Cavill), a bastard low-born guided by the gods, the virgin oracle Phaedra (Freida Pinto), and their mishmash of followers, all of whom would follow Theseus to the ends of the Earth.

That's not a face you ever want to look up to

Any student of ancient mythology of course will see that the plot of the film is loosely based on the Titanomachy, or the war between the Olympians and the Titans, and the myths of Theseus and the Minotaur. As in last year's Clash, however, that only means that the names were kept intact while the story was made more suitable for mass consumption. Actually, I thought that director Tarsem Singh did a good job with interpreting the myths presented in this storyline. Many people, Theseus and Hyperion included, have no faith in the gods due to them having not answered their prayers even in their darkest moments. This is a theme that is relevant even today, and is the reason so many people call themselves Atheist or Agnostic. The Gods don't interfere because Zeus (Luke Evans) wants to have faith in the humans as many of them do in the Gods. Beyond that, the Minotaur is not a mythological creature, but a giant warrior wearing a mask in the shape of a bull's head. While there are still several almost mystical elements involved in the story (the Gods and Titans themselves, Phaedra's premonitions, and the Epirus Bow's magic arrows chief among them), it's impressive that Singh binds them with a certain amount of realistic interpretation of mythology at the same time.

Real bad-asses don't wear helmets

Probably where Immortals excels the most is in the visual and action departments. Even without 3D (and this is another film that doesn't really benefit from 3D implementation) the distant visuals are as beautiful and meticulously designed as any big-budget film I've seen in the past decade. It would be easy to write it all off as computer generated, but it's extremely difficult to tell the difference, and there is no doubting the effectiveness it has in setting the tone of the story. Singh's previous efforts (The Cell, The Fall) have been largely visual-based, and he knows how to set a film so that you are ensnared by the what you see while following the tale. The action is also surprisingly compelling, as Singh rarely falls in the trap of filming so close as to obscure what is happening in front of you. Often the camera is set on a rail and follows Theseus as he fights dozens of enemies in a realistic, awe-inspiring sequences. It's refreshing to see action done in this manner, and while special effects can mask a number of things (body doubles, gore, etc), that it is so different from what other films offer is really what makes all the difference.

She may not be the best actress, but mama mia!

The acting would have probably been better, but the script as it is didn't leave a lot of room for silly things like "exposition" or "character development" when creating so much eye candy. Henry Cavill is at least interesting as the film's lead, finding himself perhaps on the same page Sam Worthington found himself last year. Theseus is a warrior first, orator second, and as such Cavill will be better remembered after Immortals for his rippling six pack rather than the flexibility of his tongue (get your minds out of the gutter). Still, it took Worthington a full year and The Debt to prove he could really act, and maybe Cavill just needs that time to build a resume before he can be relegated to action roles. Freida Pinto once again is better than some, worse than others, and it's really her looks that secure the multitude of roles that she has landed of late. But as any veteran actress will tell you, beauty fades (and plastic surgery isn't always for the better), so unless she ups her game the big roles WILL dry up. She does show potential, so hopefully experience will get her to the level where she should be. Mickey Rourke is certainly effective in the role of evil overlord, but in all honesty he doesn't stretch very far from his comfort zone. It's obvious that the part was written with him in mind, as he never gets a moment like the one in last year's The Expendables in which he reminds us that he really is a good actor. Stephen Dorff could have stood out, but in the end we all realize that he's the witty sidekick who will doubtlessly die heroically in the end. And he's not even that good at the witty part.

One of these things is not like the others...

Possibly most disappointing is that the Gods, arguably the most central figures in this film, are barely covered as characters throughout the course of the film. Luke Evans tells the others what to do a lot, so that makes him Zeus, and we know that Isabel Lucas is Athena because someone calls her that once, but the others are never actually named and we can only guess as to their identities. Kellan Lutz MIGHT be Posiedon, since he carries around a trident, but we're not really sure. And who knows who any of the other immortals really are. It's a shame since the finale sees a raging battle between Gods and Titans that  is amazing but in which it would have been great to be able to keep score. But since they mostly look alike, the effort to introduce them as actual characters is completely lost.

"Man of Steel" is of course a euphemism

Still, when what you're expecting is an action-packed pseudo-myth with mood, violence and gore-a-plenty, it's hard to argue with what the film doesn't additionally give you. While it may not be the best movie of 2011 (or even close), Immortals is at its best an exciting, go-anywhere story that feels as epic as it seeks to be. If you're into the genre, don't wait until DVD; the visuals alone make it worth seeing on the big screen, even if you (wisely) forgo the entire 3D routine.