Open Letters Monthly: Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters

If you ever had any doubt that January is where studios dump the stuff of failure, look no further than Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, the alternate fantasy from the mind of Dead Snow's Tommy Wirkola. In it, we follow adult incarnations of Hansel and Gretel as they journey throughout the land, killing witches and saving children from what was almost their fate twenty years ago.

When a small town suffers some of the worst and most brazen witch attacks of all, Hansel and Gretel are brought in as bounty hunters to kill the witches and rescue the children alive. But something is terribly wrong, as the witches seem to be hatching a plan unlike anything seen before.Soon it seems apparent that Hansel and Gretel are not hunting... they are the hunted.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is directed by Tommy Wirkola and stars Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Thomas Mann, Pihla Viitala and Peter Stormare.

Click here for the full review at Open Letters Monthly.

The Bad Sci-Fi Movie

Sometimes, when it comes to what I want to see in the theater (and when it is an option), the Bad Sci-Fi Movie will win out.

It happens more often than you'd think. You haven't been to the theater in a while, and you're conflicted about what you want to see. There's also no shortage of new material to take in. The slapstick comedy? The 3D re-release of an Oscar-winning film? The sequel from a trilogy from so long ago you've forgotten many of the franchise's details? The horror spoof? Well, okay, that might have won out, were I not to see it with Todd the next day. When you go to the movies as often as I do, you get used to seeing most of what is on the big screen by yourself. And the benefit of the Bad Sci-Fi Movie is... nobody you know wanted to see it with you anyway. That was certainly the case with Lockout, the latest action film produced by French filmmaker Luc Besson. Everything about this film, from the cheesy special effects to the snarky dialogue, screamed of cheap science fiction schlock. While that would (and did) turn off most moviegoers, it didn't stop me from purchasing a ticket to this show last week. After all, sometimes a silly, laughably bad sci-fi film is exactly what one needs to get back into the swing of things.

Guy Pearce: you're new action hero?

Guy Pearce stars as a former CIA agent named Snow, wrongfully convicted of murdering another agent and sentenced to imprisonment in MS One, a prison in Earth's orbit that is relegated for the world's worst and most dangerous criminals. However, before he can be transferred, a massive breakout occurs on the station, trapping a number of hostages with an army of murderers, rapists and psychopaths. Among the hostages is Emilie Warnock (Lost and Taken's Maggie Grace), social worker and daughter of the US President. Sending the marines in to save all the hostages is deemed impossible, but the Secret Service argues that sending one man in to rescue Emilie is possible, and tap Snow for the mission. Hours later, he finds himself attempting to break into the world's most impenetrable prison. With no support, few weapons and little chance of success, Snow attempts to complete his mission while searching for a way to clear his name at the same time.

"Now, am I going to have to shoot you or will you eat your snack like a big girl?"

Let's face it, the only reason I really wanted to see this film was Guy Pearce. Pearce is one of those actors where you look at his career and wonder where it all went wrong. Not that he hasn't enjoyed a decent run, starring in The Adventures of Priscilla; Queen of the Desert, L.A. Confidential, and Momento, and carrying supporting roles in The Hurt Locker, The Road, Animal Kingdom, and The King's Speech. He even has a role in what is likely my most anticipated film this year, Ridley Scott's Prometheus. Yet I witness his monumental talent and have to wonder: why isn't this guy a big Hollywood star? He's certainly got the chops to make it as a leading actor, certainly more than many of Hollywood's imports over the years. Yet every time it seems he's about to break out, he vanishes into indie and Australian cinema, where the films barely contain his seemingly limitless potential. Here he does a nearly perfect job playing with anti-hero Hollywood persona, made popular over the years in the characters of Snake Plissken, Max Rockatansky, Tyler Durden and Dominic Toretto. Snow would be in some fine company would the script have been better; written by Besson and directors Stephen St. Leger and James Mather, the screenplay gives Snow plenty of funny one-liners and clever dialogue, but rarely does it  actually let him engage in anything resembling normal conversation.

Milk: it does a paranoid schizophrenic's body good!

The rest of the actors are a mixed bag, bringing in some talent but ultimately failing to capitalize on it. Maggie Grace is NOT a great actress. She's not even a particularly good one. Here she shows no difference in her delivery, tone or facial expressions since her time on Lost, and she left that show way back in 2005. As the daughter of the President, Emilie undergoes a journey on the station that would physically and psychologically change the character for most actresses, but not Maggie, who remains defiantly the same throughout. It's not that she's a BAD actress, just an incredibly vanilla one, unable to play more than bit, samey roles. Better are the main bad guys, especially Joseph Gilgun as a psychotic murderer who stalks Emilie throughout the station. Gilgun has not had much exposure in the world of cinema, but the depth of his performance knows no limits, even if you can't always understand what he's actually saying. Also good are Vincent Regan as the leader of the prison revolt and Peter Stormare as the head of the US Secret Service. Lennie James is one of my favorite discoveries of the past few years; the British actor has appeared in a number of film and TV shows as a strong supporting actor and filler, but has never broken out as a star himself. The same holds true here, and you can't help but wish there was more for this talented performer to do.

Smoking: still not as fatal as gunshot trauma.

If you were in theaters some months ago, you might have seen a "making of" preview for Lockout, discussing how the film came to be. One of the filmmakers - Besson perhaps - comments that the company designing the special effects was built specifically for the film. I remember turning to my family (we were seeing The Descendants at the time) and commenting that the reason for that was that they couldn't afford any of the big boys to do it for them. Four months have passed and I certainly don't feel that I've been proven wrong. While, like Grace's performance, the special effects were not too bad, the limitations are immediately visible to anybody with moderately healthy vision. The scenes in space look especially fake, and it's terribly obvious when wire work and CGI are in use. Lockout does make a lot work through sheer workmanship, but never does it feel like anything more than a cheap B-movie posing as though it were a blockbuster.

Pip pip! Tea time!

Even if Lockout is not a great film, I would love to see an expansion on the character of Snow, as a series starring the foul-mouthed, snarky anti-hero would make for a great series of moderately-budgeted action flicks in the vein of Richard B. Riddick or Mad Max. This film however was a wash, with too much in the poor script, mediocre effects and amateurish directing (the only other film directed by Mather and Leger is the short film Prey Alone, which looks to have the same overall budget as Lockout) dragging down what could have been at the least an interesting effort. There's a reason we call it the Bad Sci-Fi Movie, and Lockout lives up to a low threshold by at least being marginally entertaining while at the same time shallow as a mud puddle. The best part? You can safely watch this on DVD in a few months and lose none of the effect of seeing it on the big screen. In fact, skip the theatrical run entirely; there will be better Bad Sci-Fi Movies to waste your money on later.

Dead Zone

Lately, all I've seen as far as movies go has been in the theater. The big screen has been home to most of what I've watched in 2011. Partly, that is due to my expanded writing schedule and constant search for new films to review. Another reason for that is the sheer volume of titles made available in my area, as I regularly visit both an indie theater and a multiplex that devotes at least a couple of screens to "lesser" releases, if even for a short time. This means that there are a dozen or so movies a year that are made available for my viewing that simply don't appear in some cities before getting the standard DVD release. Occasionally even that doesn't happen however, and when that is the case I have no choice but to wait until I can try it out when it does release for home viewing. That's was the happenstance with Dylan Dog: Dead of Night. Based on Tiziano Sclavi's comic series Dylan Dog, the movie seemed set for a wide release this past Spring, but what seemed like a last minute decision (albeit a wise one) saw the theater count of this title severely curtailed. Maybe I have an inflated sense of pride in the city in which I live, but you have to believe that a studio doesn't have faith in a film when it avoids the Boston area altogether, especially when it fails to arrive at either of the major theaters in town (at least one of which had actually been advertising the film). So when I made the a random run to Redbox this past week, I decided to give the cinematic failure a shot to see whether of not it deserved the dismissal that it received in it's very short life.

Expect a lot of blank expressions; it's THAT kind of film...

Brandon Routh plays the eponymous Dylan Dog, a private investigator who used to police the supernatural vampires, werewolves and zombies of New Orleans before it lost him the love of his life. Trying to make a living out of spying on cheating spouses and other "normal" human trespasses, Dylan finds himself sucked back in to the underground scene when he's asked to investigate a murder involving a werewolf, and his sidekick Marcus (Sam Huntington) is killed and turned into one of the walking dead. Now Dylan finds himself on a mission to recover an ancient Lycan artifact that's very existence could portend all-out war between the creatures of the night.

Doesn't he know he'll put an eye out??

From moment one Dylan Dog is obviously a throwback to pulp style mystery films, with a dour Routh narrating his thoughts as the story presses forward. Despite the occasional undead popping into the plot, the film is on the outside everything that you used to see in old organized crime films, with cruel mob bosses, chop shops, sinister plots, and lots and lots of illegal firearms. The New Orleans set also adds to the title's flavor, with its blend of modern and historic architecture giving the best of both world and providing a ton of atmosphere on which Dylan Dog can find some solid footing. The seamless addition of the otherworldly might be derivative of other, more iconic fare, but humorous tack-ons (such as a Zombie support group and the werewolf hideout being a meatpacking plant) provide a lot of the difference.

Somehow I doubt they tell ghost stories to pass the time

Unfortunately, that is all that really works with Dylan Dog, as the rest is a mishmash of repetitive and predictable plot with mediocre dialogue and acting. The story is the true culprit, as while the allusion to pulp fiction was a nice gesture, it comes out a little too plainly and doesn't do a great job of showing rather than telling. Everything must be explained to the audience, or at least that's what director Kevin Munroe apparently believed. Munroe, whose only other feature director role was for the animated TNMT film, doesn't seem to know what to do with live actors, grasping at the slim chances the title provides to turn into a pure action flick. Highly predictable, the audience can at least guess the major plot points before Dylan has the opportunity to prematurely reveal them to us. The whole mess makes sitting through the movie almost a chore, something I certainly hadn't expected when vampires and zombies are involved.

Operation was never this much fun!

If the story was so bad, it has to be redeemed at least slightly by the quality of the acting, right? Uhm, no. Routh is a big reason this film never reaches its potential, as his humorless deadpan (even while making jokes) is a steady pain, not made any better by the lackluster material he's actually given to work with. He does have a few decent moments, but I had hoped for so much more after his surprisingly graceful performance in last year's Scott Pilgrim vs the World. At least he out-performs his leading lady, as Anita Briem is dull and lifeless while (ironically) playing a flesh and blood  human finding herself amid a supernatural world she never knew existed. Taye Diggs and Peter Stormare are talented actors sadly asked to do little more than play to their strengths, with Diggs as a charismatic vampire leader and Stormare as a wise, ruthless werewolf. Neither is bad skill-wise, but neither propels themselves into the limited freedoms they are afforded. If there's anyone who actually looks like they're having a good time here, it's Sam Huntington as Dylan's sidekick who is having a tough time adapting to life as a zombie. Huntington, who also co-starred with Routh in Superman Returns, might be simply comedic fodder, but he's so earnest in his effort that it's easy to overlook the pure ridiculousness of his character. If there's ever a moment where you honestly laugh WITH Dylan Dog (instead of at it), it's because of Huntington.

Yes, this really happens. Too bad it's not Doomsday

Still, one man is not enough to create a thoroughly entertaining film. Mediocre special effects being the final straw, this title could have been a Syfy original movie and nobody would have noticed. Failing to meet even low expectations, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night falls much farther than even I could have expected, and might end up being one of the year's worst releases. What coukd have been a fun excursion into supernatural tomfoolery instead is a dull trod through inexperienced and unattractive filmmaking. As far as first dates go, the equivalent finish for this movie would be a quick, polite hug and a mad dash for the exit.There's just no redemption to be found here; skip it.