Double Feature: The Expendables' Report Card

In 2010, The Expendables reminded us how much we love old school action movies. Even more, it reintroduced to a generation the explosive stars of yesteryear, and proved to be a renaissance for aging actors Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Dolph Lundgren. But while we all marveled at the bombastic, over-the-top exploits and strangely hypnotic violence of that release (and, albeit to a lesser extent, the 2012 sequel), The real rest for Stallone and crew is whether they can take that momentum and channel it into legitimate career resurgence.

Ah, old-school action flicks. Where men are manly, women exist only in various states of undress, and the hero can get away with all his misdeeds without any consequence whatsoever. That's the world of Bullet to the Head, the first film directed by Walter Hill since 2002's Undisputed. Based on the French graphic novel "Du Plomb Dans La Tete", it follows veteran hitman and New Orleans resident Jimmy Bobo (Stallone), who has been double-crossed by his anonymous employer and vows revenge. While he reluctantly teams up with Washington police Detective Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang), who is after the same people, there's no doubt that Jimmy's take-no-prisoners approach will grind against Kwon's law and order methodology. But while both are being targeted by a ruthless crime lord (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) and his sadistic enforcer (Jason Momoa), they must work together if they want any chance of getting out of this mess alive.

I never want to see this image again...

The problem with Bullet to the Head (yes, I'm getting right to it) is that the movie takes itself far too seriously. It follows a typical buddy cop formula, but doesn't have any of the ribald humor you'd associate with the genre. Stallone and Kang regularly exchange barbs, but they're all mean-spirited, racist and sexist to the point where you enjoy the scenes in which they are alone more than when they deign to recognize one another. The characters are at least honest with themselves about the kinds of men they are, but when there's no potential for a friendship to develop between them, what's the point? It wouldn't be so bad if the action upped the ante, but its obvious Hill is out of practice as a director, as all the production credits in the world won't help you line up a decent shot. Bullet to the Head wants to be a noire thriller in the vein of a modern-set Gangster Squad but doesn't have the chutzpa to have the same amount of fun as that cast and crew had on the set.

This was all the work he could get after Conan...

I'm not sure which actor the film wastes more; Sarah Shahi, who is at least decent as Jimmy's artist/former med student daughter, or Jason Momoa, who is electric but stifled as the generic bad guy who is destined to be killed by a man half his size and twice his age. Either way, Bullet to the Head is the complete antithesis of the Expendables titles. Not one ounce of fun can be had here, unless you desperately want to see bloody action and missed out on the far superior The Last Stand, which has already been run out of a lot of theaters. Even then, there's a much better option out there than the #9 movie of 2013.

Okay, so "much better" is somewhat a subjective term. After all, Jason Statham vehicle Parker isn't all that different from his more recent fare, and only pops in at #7 for the year, not far removed from Bullet to the Head. In Parker, based on the book "Flashfire" by Donald Westlake, Statham plays the titular hero, an honest man in a dishonest business. He's a thief, one of the best, and when he is double crossed by his team after a successful heist he is left for dead on the side of a dirt road. But Parker recovers, swearing revenge on the men who wronged him, no matter what kind of criminal connections they may have. To succeed, he'll need the help of a financially-struggling real estate agent (Jennifer Lopez) who can help open the right doors in Palm Beach, the location of the traitorous Melander (Michael Chiklis) and his next job. The cash up for grabs? $75 million.

In a couple of ways, Taylor Hackford's Parker is a bit like Bullet to the Head, in that they're both headed by violent, unrepentant anti-heroes who have no problem killing those who wrong them. On top of that, each have out-of-their-element partners who really don't have a lot to do unless they're in the same scene as the protagonist. Jennifer Lopez for instance has little to do but be a sexy sidekick, and her presence only adds unneeded drama to an overly-simple story. You literally could have any person in this role for success, with only Lopez' supposedly-insured buttocks differentiating her from the typical Hollywood starlet. To be fair, she does do well in the "comedy relief" department, but then so do most third-rate actors. Still, the action is fiercer, the fights feel less forced, and overall people act exactly in the ways you might expect real people to behave. It's not a bad screenplay, even with its glaring flaws.

Statham getting the ladies feels more natural...

But Parker's flaws are most definitely still there. The romantic subtext between Parker and Lopez' Leslie Rogers is doomed to failure from the beginning (and we know it) and yet we're forced to sit through the whole mess. Michael Chiklis is stretched as a main bad guy, which might have been all that was open to him after the failure of the Fantastic Four franchise. And while at least Bullet to the Head used practical effects to create its bloody mayhem, Parker's use of digital blood is notable in that it's plainly obvious that the blood splatter was cooked up in a computer lab. It's cheap-looking and really takes the viewer out of the experience just when things start to get good.

Yup, it's "Clobberin' Time."

It's easy to see why the distributors of Bullet to the Head and Parker released their movies so early this year. These are low-budget action flicks so far removed from the tentpole titles of the summer Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness and Elysium that they seriously pale in comparison. Add in the fact that Stallone and Statham have never been BIG box office draws (not alone in comparison to bigger stars, anyway) and appeal to only small, niche audiences, and the recent lack of interest in their returns is understandable. These are guys putting out more of the same, uninspired crud that went out with the Dodos and their previous careers. Both have done better. Both could do so again. But we might be waiting a while before we expect anything fun to come from this pair of aging action stars.

Everyone's Expendable

Many of you might remember a review I wrote at about this time two years ago. In it, I spoke of a not-great film that pitted its heroes against completely unbelievable odds and saw them come out the other side successfully. But what made this film so different from its modern action counterparts were two things. One, it didn't take itself nearly as seriously as your standard movie by Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer. Secondly, the "heroes" in this instance were not young guns, but veterans of the action movie industry. If you haven't guessed by now, I'm talking about The Expendables, a comeback movie of sorts that was written by, directed by, and starred Sylvester Stallone as the leader of a veteran mercenary group who are generally hired to carry out impossible missions. While implausible, dumb, and a lot of other negative adjectives, The Expendables had one good thing going for it: it was FUN. And that is why fans of the original have been waiting patiently for the second chapter in Stallone's mercenary saga; unlike a lot of this year's summer movies, it's a safe bet that The Expendables 2 - despite not being directed by the remarkably-talented Stallone - would retain that same sense of excitement and good old-fashioned mayhem that made the original a box office champion.

Schwarzeneggar, Stallone and Willis: the holy trifecta.

After a battle in Nepal that likely defies any previous records in terms of body count, the Expendables return home for some rest and relaxation. It's slow in coming however, as Barney Ross (Stallone) is once again approached by the man known as Church (Bruce Willis). The CIA is a little miffed at the group's actions in the first film, to the point where Church believes that the Expendables owe him the money he paid them before. To pay him back, Ross agrees to go through with a mission to retrieve sensitive material from a downed plane in Albania. What starts off as a cakewalk gets more complicated when they lose the material - plans to a cache of stored Russian plutonium - to rival mercenary Jean Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme). It's up to the Expendables and their newest recruits (Yu Nan and Liam Hemsworth), along with a few allies, to track down the bad guys and put them down for good.

Okay, Moses he ain't...

The man behind the camera this time around is Simon West, an experienced action director whose previous efforts include Con Air, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and The Mechanic. Yeah, that seems like a mixed bag of a recommendation, but what can I say? Stallone didn't want to do all the heavy lifting this time around, and at least West has a record of audience-pleasing that would seem to suit his expectant audience. It's not as though we expect a whole lot out of this sequel: stuff gets blown up, old action stars make cameos, and the dialogue doesn't so much move the story forward as it does spew out glib comments and hilarious gags about the history of the icons on the screen. In other words, it's an action director's low-maintenance dream.

Yes, the bad guy's name is 'Vilain'. I swear you can't make this stuff up...

Of course, those "great" actors of action's golden age don't quite stand up as straight in this second go-around. For one, while expanded roles for Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are used to great effect, and new cast-mates Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Hemsworth and Nan work well with their material, the original heroes are the ones left with little to do. Only Stallone feels untouched, while Jason Statham, who was a major factor the first film, finds his role drastically reduced. While the original Expendables made an effort to include all the hero characters equally, that wasn't the case for the returning Randy Couture, Terry Crews and even Jet Li, who isn't even present for most of this outing. The over-sized cast is the main culprit, and while the new guys manage to give us plenty to laugh and be excited about, the final effect just isn't the same. Nobody steps up to claim the "soul" portion of the film and fill in for the departed Micky Rourke, either. That's a shame, because the first movie definitely benefited from his emotional and heartfelt monologue. At least Dolph Lundgren gets ample moments to shine, as he's a natural comedian when called upon. In fact, he's probably the biggest surprise of the cast, by far.

Tell me this wasn't your favorite part of the trailer.

While all the violence, explosives and smart-assery are all thankfully similar to The Expendables, the film does actually get better in one department with the casting of Nan in a major role. In the first movie, females were an afterthought, with only damsels in distress somehow needing to apply. I stated outright that plenty of female action stars, from Cynthia Rothrock to Michelle Yeoh, could have been tapped to fill the male-dominated scene and shown that women did - and still can - kick ass. Nan might not have the pedigree of those actresses, but her part here is definitely a step in the right direction for the franchise. She's got the rough stuff down, but while she most certainly can hold her own in a firefight, it's frustrating to see the script try and force her into a romantic subplot with one of her (much) older co-stars. Can't a woman be in an action film without automatically being a love interest? As I said, it's a step in the right direction. What we need now is a booty-busting femme fatale who doesn't respond to the testosterone factory that is this merc group and we'll be fine.

Just shooting a little shit before committing mass murder.

The inside jokes are really funny (favorites include mockery of Norris' Internet fame and a verbal interaction between Willis and Schwarzenegger), the action is solid, and even the story picks up in the latter half of the film. This all manages to make up for the a practically dull first half, rote and predictable plot devices, and Stallone's downright horrid moustache. Probably the worst thing the Expendables franchise has done is start up a whole sub-genre of action films starring past-their-prime stars, such as Stallone and Schwarzenegger in next year's The Tomb and the former "Governator" himself in the upcoming The Last Stand. The Expendables has managed to resurrect the careers of these once-dominant monsters of the big screen, and now they will not let go. If all such releases can be as entertaining as The Expendables 2, then good for them. But hopefully this won't be the catalyst for every major action film filling a quota for at least one geriatric to round out their roster. There's no need for it, and no reason to think that the magic found in The Expendables and its sequel can be artificially generated in any clone. The Expendables 2 is the real deal, and if you like action films, then you shouldn't turn up your nose to this particular brand. That said, I hope it's the last one, as I really don't want to see anyone break a hip, or Clint Eastwood blow anybody away from the comfort of a wheelchair. You've got to say 'Stop' eventually.

It's time.

And a big Boom for the win.

Have a Safe Trip

It's ironic that the new action flick starring Jason Statham is called Safe, as we are shown through 94 minutes that for the sake of the story, nobody really is; not Statham's family, who are killed off in the film's opening sequence; not the army of baddies who soon become the targets of the deadpanning hero; not even the civilian extras who are inevitably drawn into the crossfire.

I tend to enjoy simple action films, a genre whose popularity spiked in the late eighties and early nineties with the influx of Hong Kong cinema stars like Jackie Chan and later Jet Li. Soon afterward, other countries started emulating that style of hard-hitting martial arts action into their films, the most notable probably being the French action piece The Transporter, which was the film that catapulted Statham to where he is now, kicking ass and taking names. I loved The Transporter , though it would be fair to say that product of Louis Leterrier and Luc Besson was likely Statham's most complex release to date. In recent years, Statham's titles have had the same ideas around them, most notably the actor as a one-man war machine, impervious to bullets, gravity, plot twists and general common sense. His 2011 efforts, The Mechanic and Killer Elite, were okay, but both lacked anything approaching an original concept. Really, the only difference I saw in Safe was that the actor was stripped of his big-name co-stars (Ben Foster in The Mechanic, Clive Owen and Robert De Niro in Killer Elite) in favor of young sidekick Catherine Chan. Still, getting the chance to see Statham knocking people's teeth in is too good a chance to pass up, and while I was waiting for The Avengers to arrive, it was good to take in a relatively simple action flick.

He keeps this look on his face through the whole thing.

When cage fighter Luke Wright (Statham) fails his effort to throw a rigged match, he is made an example of by the Russian Mafia, who murder his family and let him know that they will be watching him, killing any whom he befriends, before sending him packing into the world. Wandering the streets of New York City, Luke is tempted to end it all... that is, until he sees the same Russians who ruined his life stalking an 11-year-old Chinese girl (Chan), and intervenes to save her. It turns out she was conscripted by the Chinese Triads of New York City as a "counter", someone who could memorize numbers and figures. She has been taught a complex code that could tilt the balance of power in the city, and every major criminal organization is out to find her. Luke finds himself pitted against not only the Mafia and the Triads, but also a group of corrupt police, all looking for an edge in the coming war. Having lost his way, Luke finds something to fight for once again, and unleashes his full strength for the first time against everyone with evil intent in the city.

This won't end well...

Not surprisingly, the fights and action are quite good for a film of this quality. Despite not having made a crime film since 1994's Fresh, director Boaz Yakin shows that he can still create compelling action sequences. He DOES get a little too close to the action at times, obscuring the actual actions on the screen, but thankfully he doesn't do it to the point where we cannot make out anything important. Exciting scenarios include gunfights in an underground casino, a posh hotel, and roaring through the streets of New York. He also sets up scenes perfectly, so we know exactly the kind of situation we're witnessing before the bullets start flying. Don't get me wrong, there's not anything here that is nearly as compelling as any single scene in the Indonesian film The Raid: Redemption, but the work is still highly impressive for someone who has been out of the game for over a decade.

He's got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.

It's a shame then that the story doesn't hold up to even distant scrutiny. I'm talking plot holes seen from the windows of an overhead 747 when I talk about how silly and without substance the story actually is. Ignore the fact that the fate of the city is held in the head of an 11-year-old child, I still can't get over the level of corruption strewn throughout the film, as dirty operators from three overt factions are seen blowing the crap out of objects and people for the entirety of the film's run. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that the Triads could storm a hotel, engage in a fierce firefight, and even kill a few civilians to escape, YET THERE ARE NO SIGNIFICANT CONSEQUENCES. Even taking corrupt cops into account, and even if the criminal organizations in the city pay a certain amount to keep their activities under the radar, there's simply no way those kinds of actions result in anything short of a full-blown crackdown on the syndicate. It's called "crossing the line" and Yakin (who also wrote the script) doesn't seem to know where that line is. This is a fictional version of New York, and would feel right at home in the pre-Giuliani days of mass crime, but that this film stretches the boundaries of believability so much is proof that Yakin should have brought others on board to make the whole thing seem more credible.

Jason Statham: killing ugly people since 1998.

True to the poor quality of the script, there's hardly a spoken word that you can hear without cringing. It's a good thing a chunk of the film is verbalized in (I think) Cantonese, as the Triad scenes provide a brief respite from wince-inducing dialogue. For the most part, the film at least casts in that vein, and just about everyone from Statham on down looks comfortable reciting what's on the page. You might even recognize many of the cast from other works, but Chris Sarandon, Robert John Burke, James Hong, Reggie Lee and Anson Mount hardly do anything to really make their characters distinct (it might be argued that Burke is the exception). The only person who really has to do any work is Catherine Chan, and that's because - let's face it - she's far overpowered even as a child sidekick. She has to narrate parts of the story, and her delivery is unconvincing and dry, though I admit I'm unsure whether that is lack of talent or just not realizing how hard it is to make a major motion picture. I feel bad ragging on a kid, but you can't gloss over the fact that she's easily the film's weak link.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Once again, we are presented with Jason Statham as the central (and only) reason to sit through a generic action film, in the hopes that something new and better will be coming down the path ahead. Safe is not a bad movie, but it doesn't even stack up to his lesser films from last year, and those only missed being among the worst of 2011 thanks to Statham's intangibles. Safe will likely be remembered in the same capacity (if at all), and you should only see this if you really can't wait for The Expendables 2 to come out in a few months. It's fine for a mindless action flick, but with so many better options out there right now, why would you settle?

Kill Me Now

So I'm wondering what the difference is between 2011 releases Killer Elite and The Mechanic. Both are simple action films starring English superstar Jason Statham. Both feature mercenaries, lots of gunfire, explosions and almost criminal amounts of bloodletting. But there is one major difference between the January-released The Mechanic and the more recent Killer Elite, and that is the fact that the newer release brings in primo acting talent to pad it's roster. Okay, that's something of an over-simplification. Sure, the earlier film paired Statham with legitamite talents in Ben Foster and Donald Sutherland, but neither man is a real headliner; Foster has never really been the front man of a hit film, and Sutherland will appear pretty much wherever he's told these days. So it's supposedly a big step forward when Clive Owen and Robert De Niro reveal themselves as the action hero's new castmates, and are the biggest reason people were given to see this in the theaters over a number of other uninspiring fall releases. Sure, Owen hasn't really been a big deal since 2004's Closer, but nobody who has ever seen him perform can deny his talents. And De Niro is always a draw, even though he hasn't had to really "act" in decades. Now we damand an answer to the question of which is better: the under-the-radar The Mechanic, or Killer Elite, with much more expected in turn?

Don't worry about acting; just do your usual thing

Based on the 1991 novel The Feather Men by adventurer Sir Ranulph Fiennes, Killer Elite takes us to 1980 and introduces us to retired mercenary Danny Bryce (Statham). After a Mexican operation gone bad, Danny steps away from the business, returning to his native Australia and into a romantic relationship with childhood friend Anne Frazier (Yvonne Strahovski). One year later he is dragged back into the business when his former colleague, an American named Hunter (De Niro), fails to perform a $6 million job for an exiled Sheik and is henceforth captured. Holding Hunter as ransom, the Sheik and his agent force Danny to take the job Hunter defaulted on, the assassination of three British Special Air Service agents responsible for the murders of the Sheik's sons during conflict in Oman. Danny reluctantly agrees, but killing the agents gains the attention of a shadow group of former SAS known as Feather Men and their ruthless field agent Spike Logan (Owen). Soon Logan is hunting down Danny and his band of fellow assassins, and soon it is killer versus killer as Danny fights to free his friend while Logan fights to put Danny six feet under.

Not your average attractive one-noted female character

For an action film, Killer Elite doesn't do too poorly in that department when it comes to the visual splendor. While many of the fight scenes are shot up close to obscure the action (and Clive Owens' stunt doubles, surely), it's thankfully not done to the point where you can't follow what is happening on the screen. Statham is as fun to watch as a physical performer now as when he broke out in the action scene in 2002's The Transporter, and dominates every action scene presented. There are a few non-Statham action scenes that are poorer by comparison, but still manage to convey the excitement intended. While there are a few scenes that are completely unrealistic even for the genre (such as Hunter taking down an enemy at a distance with a silenced pistol), most of the film at least maintains a good sense of realism, which is important when you're claiming to be based on a true story.

In the 80's, shitty mustaches were far more forgiven

Acting-wise, this is no great collection of personalities, despite the addition of big-name performers Owen and De Niro. Statham is... well... Statham. He fights, growls his dialogue in a menacing fashion ninety percent of the time, and is charming enough to guarantee more of these roles in the future. Anyone expecting the action star to be different from any of his dozens of previous characters would be sorely disappointed, but Statham is comforting to his fans in that he's always a reliable presence. Owen is also sold, though this role might be more remembered more (if at all) for his terrible mustache and "blinded" eye than his actual acting ability. Let's face it, Owen's Hollywood career has never been great, though he has held some solid supporting roles alongside much more established stars. This is another example of that. At least this is more than Robert De Niro brings to the table. De Niro's Hunter is a hitman from Brooklyn (or the Bronx, whatever), which would be fine if it didn't seem like every film in the past decade not co-starring Ben Stiller has had him in that role. De Niro at one point in his career was considered an exciting, strong personality, but his inability to stretch himself in any capacity is the most epic form of laziness, and here he does little more than deliver throwaway dialogue to garner some chuckles from the audience. Better is Yvonne Strahovsky as Danny's love interest. For a nice change, the female role in a Jason Statham film is no one-dimensional hanger-on or degrading lady of the night. Strahovsky plays the normal girl next door, and while she doesn't steal the film by any means, the interactions between her and Statham (and in one case, her and De Niro) are a nice change from the rest of the story. If anything, her effective use adds a layer of humanity to the film that it would not possess otherwise.

Of course you know Statham will get the better of this situation

Unfortunately, there are only a few truly memorable moments (such as Statham defeating two enemies while strapped to a chair) throughout the course of the film. Most of Killer Elite is what you'd expect, not straining from the conditions of the action genre in any fashion. So which 2011 Statham film is better? Well, Killer Elite might feature Owen and Strahovsky in solid supporting roles, but that is offset by the generic story and Robert De Niro in general. The Mechanic had a weaker cast, but Ben Foster is a talented performer, if a somewhat ignored one. It also made for no less a ridiculous yarn, but at least did not try to proclaim that it was based on a true story, making it better than it's September predecessor. While occasionally entertaining, there's nothing new or interesting about Killer Elite, a film that you should only see if you're desperate for an action film and have already scavenged the Action section of your local rental place.

Mechanical Problems

Sometimes it doesn't take much to get me excited about seeing a particular movie. Violent, explosion-laden films are the easiest to tempt my palette, since they offer maximum excitement with minimal brain activity. I enjoy the mood-laden, intellectual film more than most, but just being able to turn your cognitive center off for a couple of hours to enjoy a show is just as much fun, and that's why The Mechanic was one of my more eagerly anticipated releases this month. A remake of the 1972 film starring Charles Bronson, this title's trailer alone guaranteed gunfights, explosions and more mature content than you could wave an AK-47 in the general direction of. Not unlike last year's The Losers or The Expendables, The Mechanic promised the kind of entertainment normal guys flock to in droves and normal women pretty much ignore altogether.

You might not like Arthur's version of "tag"

In the film Jason Statham plays Arthur Bishop, a "mechanic" or contract killer. Arthur's talents at subterfuge are so good that he can pull off a hit in a remote area without anyone knowing he was ever there. He plans every killing out for every contingency, making him among the most successful assassins in his organization. Things are going fine until his only friend and mentor Harry (Donald Sutherland) is assassinated for selling company secrets, and Arthur teams up with and trains Harry's son Steve (Ben Foster) to get revenge on the people who had Harry killed.

And don't expect him to pick up the tab, either

One of the reasons I was so enticed to see this film was that it's precisely the type of film Statham does so well. I remember first seeing him headline The Transporter to great effect, and I've enjoyed him as a performer since first seeing him in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. That's not to say he's incapable of making bad movies (the man WAS in a Uwe Boll film, after all), but a simple, action film of this caliber is the type of thing that goes right up his ally. The plot is swift-moving to keep the holes from being readily apparent, focusing almost entirely on the action when available. Character interaction goes out the door during these scenarios, unless you count people shooting one another as "interaction." The way in which the action is directed is itself hardcore and believable, with only Arthur's apparent perfect executions stretching the feasibility factor a pinch.

The "Rooftop Olympics" are underway

Statham is pretty much what you'd expect from a lead role of this kind. Arthur is played as almost emotionless when it comes to doing the tasks he's assigned, but when he's home he's a refined individual chomping at the bit to let his more emotional side forth. What works so well in this case is that Foster is across from him, playing Steve in the exact opposite formula. Steve is a passionate individual, with a mean streak (not unusual for Foster, looking at his resume) and a passion that comes out explosively during missions. For a pair of leading men, the partnership works wonders, and their scenes together are some of the best the film offers. Sutherland is a heralded performer, and for good reason, but he can't get the good roles like he used to. His role here is interesting, but several performers could have done the same job he did for the little time his character affects the audience. Once he's gone, he's barely left a presence for us to feel, and he's quickly forgotten. Tony Goldwyn does manage to stick around as Arthur's boss Dean Sanderson, but his role is mostly dry. Unlike several villains from similar 2010 titles, however, I actually got the feeling that Dean was dangerous, thanks to a hulking physique and deadpan stare. He was certainly more threatening than Jason Patric or Patrick Wilson.

The Julie Taymor stage play has been plagued by delays...

One thing that did bother me was the lack of strong female roles. I understand the film is a remake of a seventies cult hit, but the entirety of women in this film are servants, prostitutes, whores, or victims, in that exact order. There are no female assassins, no female executives for the agency, not anything resembling a powerful character throughout the film's runtime. While I'd be incorrect in stating that the film objectifies and exploits women, it would be more accurate to suggest that the filmmakers purely didn't think about them at all. THIS should be the film feminists are speaking against... but I guess the lack of award nominations lets it pass.

No, not THE bomb... just a bomb

The action is non-stop, and while the annoying close-up shots mar the on-screen violence at points, on a whole it's better done than your average film of the like. For what faults it has, that's what The Mechanic does well. It might not be as competent as it's originator, but what it does well it does competently and without mistakes. That's not enough to propel it to the top of the heap, however; The Mechanic comes in at #2 for the year. It probably won't be among this year's best, but it can safely be assumed it won't be among the worst either.

The Manliest Review of the Year

In May 2008, the Sex and the City movie was released to record audiences around the globe. I was there opening night with my then-girlfriend who had indoctrinated me into the television show, which I actually liked despite early reservations that it was simply a woman's show. What I had learned watching the HBO series was that it was not just about women; women were the main protagonists, of course, but the show was about friendship, inner strength and trust, which are themes that don't necessarily belong to either sex, and smart characters helped grow the show out of it's early emotional limitations. Of course, the show is also about Jimmy Choos, man-hunting, and Vogue, which means that about 90% of the people who went to see this movie opening night were women, most of them weaned on the TV show that had begun airing ten years earlier. Though not a very good movie overall (lacking much of the quality of it's source material), because of this fanatical female following, it was the most successful R-rated comedy ever, and also most successful for a movie starring all women.

The Expendables experience has been kind of like that.

Statham, Stallone and Couture take on bad men

The film stands as a tribute to the old-style action films of the '80's and early '90's, and much like Sex, The Expendables is not a very good movie. It fails to make into my Top 10 based on it's mindlessness alone. However, I still had a good time, much like I did during a similar opening night two years earlier.

The movie starts off quickly, with the Expendables, a team of elite mercenaries led by Sylvester Stallone's Barney Ross, conduct a messy hostage rescue mission on a boat in the Gulf of Adan. The team, consisting of blades specialist Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), martial artist Yin Yang (Jet Li), sniper Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), weapons specialist Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) and demolitions expert Toll Road (Randy Couture), successfully rescue the hostages in dramatic fashion, but afterwards Ross is forced to kick Jensen out of the group for his growing psychological problems. It's a bad sign if your buddies think you're too crazy to be a good mercenary, but any good viewer would doubt this is the last we've seen of Jensen. Not long after, the Expendables' former teammate and mission coordinator Tool (Mickey Rourke) comes to them with a job offer, calling it "hell and back". On the island of Vilena, in the Gulf of Mexico, a dictator by the name of General Garza has taken over and practically enslaved his own people, with the might of the island's military behind him. The mission is to eliminate Garza, but upon performing a reconnaissance mission of the island, Ross and Christmas discover that Garza is backed by former C.I.A. spook James Munroe (Eric Roberts) and his goons Paine (Steve Austin) and The Brit (Gary Daniels), determining that Munroe is the true target.

Rourke also performs as the teams' Swiss masseuse

As you can see just from the last paragraph, Stallone (who co-wrote and directed the film) searched high and low for the biggest cast of action stars he could find for this movie. Besides those mentioned, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared in cameo roles, and efforts were made to recruit Jean-Claude Van Dam, Wesley Snipes, Forest Whitaker, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, Steven Seagal, and Kurt Russell, though either disinterest or conflicting schedules kept them from the sets. The ensemble cast is barely that, however, as the movie mostly revolves around Stallone and Statham, with a little Lee and Lundgren thrown in for good measure. Stallone is as good as he's ever been as an actor (take that for what you will), but Statham remains something special even as his chosen genre lessens in importance by the year. Li, meanwhile is dry and uninteresting, only watchable when he's kicking things. 53-year-old Lundgren is only interesting in that he hasn't been on the big screen in years, though his character does do through some interesting transformation that the actor's talent can barely keep up with.

Stallone demands only the best cameos

Thankfully, the supporting cast is mostly talented, though given little to do in their roles. Although Eric Roberts joins an ever-growing line of bad 2010 movie villains with stupid decision-making and silly goals, the actor is at least good enough to make the role more fun than say, Jason Patric in The Losers or Patrick Wilson in The A-Team. His lackeys, played by Austin and Daniels, are serviceable for little more than their athletic prowess, as Austin is not at all different than his "Stone Cold" persona he put on for so many years as a performer in the WWE. I've never seen Daniels in anything, but to say the least his character was quite... British. Crews is a talented actor with little to do in this movie, his talents wasted on the small role he does his best to be present in. And while I'm sure Randy Couture is an intelligent, friendly guy, he has no business acting in anything that requires him to go on a monologue about cauliflower ear. Really, Randy? That's interesting, I'm just going to rest my eyes, but you just keep on talking. The cameo of Willis and Schwarzenegger along with Stallone is hilarious, with all three actors looking like they're having a ball delivering their lines. The three of them after all could be considered the three top action stars of the 80's, with billions earned between them. But the best of the best is by far Rourke, who once again shows the talent almost wasted from years of psychological issue and substance abuse. He's not in on any of the big action sequences or for much of the movie at all, but in his role he manages to be the heart of the movie, no small feat considering the amount of testosterone and explosions flowing through it.

Roberts and Austin dodge an attack by movie critics

And when stuff blows up in The Expendables, it BLOWS UP, big time. It's no secret that the explosions, violence and macho posturing is meant as the main attraction of the movie, as it goes over the top in this. When you compare it to other, relatively bloodless, action films released in this and previous years, the film feels even more out of time, and the viewer knows what it was like to sit in a theater in the '80's and watch their first Rambo flick. These effects are top shelf quality, with a reason for almost every blast and ricochet. The action sequences are actually well put together, if a little difficult to follow, especially the last sequence which takes place in the middle of the night.

(l-r) Stallone, Li, Couture, Crews, Statham

If there's a real problem with The Expendables, it's in relation to it's gender roles. The only two prominent female parts belong to Latin actress Gisele Itie and former Buffy the Vampire Slayer hottie Charisma Carpenter. Both add up to little more than damsels in distress, as Carpenter plays the ex-girlfriend of Statham's character who ends up in an abusive relationship, and Itie plays a revolutionary who hires the mercenaries and then must be rescued by them, instigating in a light romance with Ross (Which is just a little creepy since Stallone is seven years older than my father and Itie is a year younger than ME). It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that there have been major female action stars who don't even make cameo appearances, such as Michelle Yeoh and Cynthia Rothrock. There's no doubt this is a boy's club, but even the tiniest extension to this branch of the genre would have been appreciated by the audience.

Nevertheless, The Expendables is a fun, independent and mindless source of entertainment, able to be enjoyed by action novices or experts alike, it's a rarity to see this many big names on one screen, even if several of them are a little long in the tooth. It's a film about friendship, making a difference and brotherhood, but also one in which men are blown up, burnt to a crisp, and decapitated in the most violent ways possible. For some (many, it seems), that is enough. It most certainly isn't for everybody. It's no Eat, Pray, Love, but when it makes that much at the box office, it doesn't have to be.