Open Letters Monthly: Machete Kills

The original Machete was a "meh" movie. Paying homage to the exploitation-style "B" movies of the sixties and seventies, the action-packed film was a bit unique thanks to its Latino focus and casting, courtesy of creator Robert Rodriguez. While the original could only be called a modest success, the filmmakers of sequel Machete Kills have gone all out, expanding the cast, scope and budget. But does that mean you should take the time to check out the sequel to a movie that wasn't all that great to begin with?

The original Mexican vigilante returns to when the US government calls upon him to return to his native land. There, a revolutionary has built an advanced missile to launch against Washington D.C. unless his demands are met. Though he is devastated by a personal tragedy and uneasy about returning home, Machete Cortez finds himself in his element as he finds himself fighting also fighting against bounty hunters,  double agents, arms dealers, and every single bad guy back home.

Machete Kills is directed by Robert Rodriguez and stars Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jessica Alba, Demian Bichir, Mel Gibson and "Carlos Estevez" (Charlie Sheen).

Click here for the full review at Open Letters Monthly.

A Very Stoner Christmas

We can look back at the entire year of 2011 and never see anything like this. Only one film released this year features burning Christmas trees, multiple ethnic stereotypes, claymation dongs, drug addicted babies, a White House associate director, a pot-smoking Santa Clause, and a fictional representation of Neil Patrick Harris, played by Neil Patrick Harris. No, I'm not talking about Melancholia; this film is unlikely to garner any Oscar nominations, and is definitely for the more lowbrow set. The latest in the the series heralded as a modern day Cheech and Chong, A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas has just about everything your stoner mind needs. That being said, the lovable duo (borne from a small scene in American Pie and a breakthrough role in National Lampoon's Van Wilder) can be enjoyed entirely Cannabis-free if you so choose. I still have fond memories of seeing the original Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle with my friends back in 2004; the raucous combination of raunchy humor with surprisingly wry wit was truly inspired, and while it surely wasn't one of the blockbusters of the year, it cemented its place with an audience who craved something a little off the beaten track.

This won't end well

Taking place six years after the events of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and it's sequel Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, we learn that former stoner buddies Harold Lee (John Cho) and Kumar Patel (Kal Penn) have grown apart from one another in the years since. Harold has given up marijuana in his attempts to father a child with his wife Maria (Paula Garces), and tries to gain the favor of Maria's strict father (Danny Trejo) with a perfectly-executed Christmas. Kumar is still enjoying his leisurely style of life, though it has gotten him suspended from work and separated from his sweetheart Vanessa (Daneel Harris). When a package arrives at the duo's old apartment for Harold, it unexpectedly sets the two on a journey where the old friends reunite and rediscover why they had been so close in the first place. On that journey, they are run into underage beer pong champions, Russian gangsters, an evil snowman, Neil Patrick Harris and Santa Claus himself as they learn the true meaning of Christmas. Oh, yeah, and it's in 3D.

We don't condone punching a priest... most of the time

That last sentence would usually mean an upcoming diatribe about the mediocrity in which most films use 3D in the first place. Maybe it would be particularly volatile and obscenity-laced. But I'm not going to do that today? Why? Well, for one thing I'm tired of making the argument when most people seem to agree with me in that regard already. Secondly, the 3D in this Harold and Kumar outing is actually fairly well done. This is mainly due to two things. One: the film was made using actual 3D cameras without additional post-production material except in a few specific sequences. The second reason is that the movie parodies itself by questioning whether the technology has "jumped the shark", an obvious shot at just about every major studio that treats 3D almost as if it was the second coming of "talkies". Overall there is no real surprise in the 3D use in this film; most of the more obvious examples are featured in the trailers and therefore the use has no lasting impression on the overall body of work.

What were they doing with that squirrel in the tree? The world may never know

Whatever else you may think of the people involved in this series, there is no doubting the chemistry between the film's stars, Penn and Cho. As Kumar, Kal Penn is allowed to let loose and simply enjoy himself in a way that his more critically-hailed works have not. It's obvious that this young man has talent; his appearance on the TV show House MD and his lead role in The Namesake are proof enough of that. However he really seems to shine when he is allowed to cut loose, free of the confining restraints of Hollywood politics. John Cho has also enjoyed some commercial success, but like Penn has gained most of his attention from this series. As Harold, Cho is far more cautious, perfectly pairing with Kumar's take-no-prisoners attitude. This is why the two have gained such notoriety in recent years; their ability to convey just how their friendship has worked is the main reason these titles haven't been completely ignored. The support cast is talented but of course does not get nearly as much attention as the film's leads. Paula Garces proves underutilized as she can change on a dime between sex-craving vixen and sweet daddy's girl, showing a talent we knew she had in recent years. It's sad then that in this third outing she's barely given as much to do as she had in the first two films. Harris carries a strong performance but goes almost unmentioned between her scenes at the beginning and end of the film. Though both are supposed to be important parts of Harold and Kumar's lives, neither gets as much to do as they deserve. It's good to see Danny Trejo succeed in a comedic role, the actor usually known for his action work gets probably the most chances to shine among the secondary cast and never misses a beat. Newcomer Thomas Lennon also puts in a solid performance; as a change-up, Lennon forgoes much of his usual silliness to play an everyman, and while not perfect he still does a lot right with his work. The only disappointment in the cast is the failure of Law & Order: SVU performer Christopher Meloni to return to the series a third time. The character obviously intended for him, Russian mob boss Sergei Katsov, is reliably played by Elias Koteas. Koteas, while no Meloni, is a strong actor who doesn't mince with comedy and menaces throughout the entirety of his performance

The next step to global domination

Of course, it would be folly to ignore the effect that Neil Patrick Harris has had on the Harold and Kumar films, or the influence that the series has had on his own acting career. Playing the fictional, drug addicted womanizing version of himself in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle rejuvenated his stagnant acting career, there can be no doubt. Without White Castle, there would be no Barney Stinson. Without Barney Stinson there would be no How I Met Your Mother. And of course without Neil Patrick Harris there would likely be no Harold and Kumar sequels, as his character is probably the only one to be arguably more popular than either of the lead roles. Since his appearance in Christmas takes place chronologically after Harris came out of the closet, his sadly brief showing covers for that pop culture event while also making room for a cameo by his real life beau David Burtka. The only complaint I have is that there is far too little of Harris' craziness, packed into too short a period of time. He briefly appears, is great, and then disappears into the woodwork, never to be heard from again.

On a very special CSI: North Pole

And in the end, this is what is flawed about A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas. While it is funny at times, I can't help but feel that director Todd Strauss-Schulson, in his first feature film, didn't understand what made this dynamic pair so great in the first place. The script tries far too hard to shock you into groans rather than to actually try and make you laugh. While I really did have myself a good time seeing this picture, this lack of execution is what puts the third entry to this series a tick behind its predecessors. Between bong-wielding Santas and crack-addicted babies, there is more than enough to either enjoy or wag a finger at, and I hope the next entry to this series can get back to the level of quality we've enjoyed from Harold and Kumar in the past.

Do the Machete Mambo

Three years ago, at the beginning of the evening showing of Grindhouse, the twin-bill homage to exploitation films of yesteryear by bro-mancers and directors Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, there was a trailer - a fake, mind you - of an ultraviolent film featuring a Mexican vigilante aiming to take out opponents of illegal immigration. At the end of the carnage-filled trailer, my immediate thought - like, I imagine, so many who watched that evening - was, God help me, I'd watch that if it was real. Apparently Robert Rodriguez thought so, too. And so, Machete has come to a theater near you.

Danny Trejo: The ugliest lead action star ever

Starring Rodriguez regular Danny Trejo in his first starring role as the titular Machete Cortez (yes, folks, that's apparently his real name), the film doesn't deviate much from it's original trailer, as Machete, an immigrant to the state of Texas after being driven out of his home Mexico by evil drug cartels, is hired off the street to assassinate a Senator with a hard-nosed stance against illegal immigration (Robert Deniro) by an unscrupulous businessman (Jeff Fahey). However, Machete is double-crossed, and soon finds himself surrounded on all sides by enemies, from the Senator and the businessman to a suspiciously-funded group of border vigilantes led by a man named Von (Don Johnson), and the rapidly-expanding drug cartel led by the man who drove Machete out of Mexico, Torrez (Steven Seagal). Machete's allies? The Network, a group of immigrants led by the mysterious She (Michelle Rodriguez), who work tirelessly to help people over the border and find work, and possibly an INS agent by the name of Sartana (Jessica Alba), who is the first to learn of Machete's former Federale status.

The shots are more lovely than Trejo... okay, that's not saying much

The first thing you notice about this film is the mostly-Latin cast. Of course you have Trejo, who is of Mexican descent, and so are Alba and another Rodriguez regular, Cheech Marin. Rodriguez' family is from Puerto Rico, and most of the "good guy" characters, and almost all the supporting and minor characters, are played by Latin American actors. In fact, the only non-Latin actors in the movie portray the bad guys, with Fahey, Deniro, Johnson, Tom Savini, Shea Wigham and Seagal being Machete's opposition, though Seagal does portray a Mexican character. It seems an odd choice, but Rodriguez was probably attempting to not have any Latin actor be the bad guy and instead led them be the universally good characters this time around. The only possible exception to the bad-white-guy rule would be Lindsay Lohan's portrayal of Fahey's character's daughter, but that's a whole can of beans I'll open up later.

Trejo looks for a bear to wrestle

The acting here is mostly poor and cliched, but let's face it: Acting was never to be the main draw of Machete. Trejo is out of his element and league as an actor in the leading role. Usually good as a backup character or supporting role, his muscled frame matches what's needed for a physically-demanding role like this, but the character doesn't have much personality to express in the movie. He's a Mexican ex-Federale with a penchant for blades, that's pretty much it. Trejo doesn't so much act as grimace his way throughout the film, not helped at all by the cliched dialogue. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know that he could do better, but he comes off as a poor-man's Mexican Seagal instead of a potential future leading actor. Speaking of Seagal, his performance as the drug lord Torrez is laughably bad, speaking as to why he hasn't had a theatrically-released film since 2001.

Rodriguez actually displays some emotion in Machete... but not THAT much

Better are some of the supporting cast, including Michelle Rodriguez, who actually puts hints of emotion into her performance, as opposed to her usual tough-girl act. Alba is solid as well, though her character gets a little off-the-wall towards the end. I can only attribute this to the material given her rather than her talent, which is pretty good. Fahey, who I loved as pilot Frank Lapidus in Lost, also grimaces his way through this film, though he shows a little more charisma than Trejo. Deniro, the only legitimate big name on the cast, is actually surprisingly good as good-old-boy Senator McLaughlin, as he actually seems to act his way through scenes, as opposed to simply showing up. This is a credit to Deniro - who certainly did not have a serious, award-winning role on his hands - to be the consummate professional and give his all to the performance. Johnson is mediocre but with a small enough role that his performance can be overlooked, and Cheech Marin is okay as Machete's priest brother who is also good at handling firearms. At least their characters are important to the movie's plot. Lohan's character doesn't do THAT much, as her drug-addicted Internet whore turned gun-wielding nun is about as necessary as it sounds. I feel bad that Lohan's potential talent has gone to waste in recent years due to personal issues and drug problems, but the director did her no favors with this casting as the role was completely unnecessary. It wasn't even as if the film needed another strong female character, as Alba and Rodriguez had that covered.

There's no excuse for putting Steven Seagal in a theatrical release

The film starts off with a bang, with Machete and his... um... machete cutting a bloody swath through a number of Mexican drug-runners in an amazing opening sequence that features blood, dismemberment, and nudity, each in vast quantities. From this opening sequence, you imagine that the film will be full of amazing sequences, but it's something of a sham. The opener is the best, most exciting part of the film, even with Seagal as part of it. From there, however, the action tones down considerably and we're part of a completely different film, though the action sequences do make sporadic appearances. These scenes fail to match the intensity of the opener, but there are a few imaginative scenes that make up for it (such as Machete using one man's intestines as a rappelling line) and they never fail to pick up the viewer's interest if it's wandered. The sexuality of the film also tones down, with Rodriguez and Alba, while both could be defined as sex symbols, rarely over-provocative in their dress. They did keep in the nude pool scene from the original trailer, but that's the most stimulating the movie gets in that aspect. When the final battle comes, it's disappointing in it's execution, as what could have been more of a big show is muddled into a weak fight, lousy climax, and uninspired ending.

The "Grindhouse Twins" reappear in grand fashion

You have to give credit where credit is due. Robert Rodriguez came out to make HIS movie, a Mex-ploitation with a name-brand cast, a memorable title character, and good tongue-in-cheek humor. But that's also the problem, as Rodriguez, while obviously compelled to recreate the exploitation and blackspoitation films of yesteryear, adds little more than his heritage to a genre that went out of mainstream fashion decades ago. The film is good enough to get by, but it's neither the best action film of the year nor even the best with Rodriguez' name attached to it (that would be the Rodriguez-produced Predators). My friend Ed asked me recently if whether I thought Machete or The Expendables was the better action film this year. My answer? Machete might have had the better humor and a story debating the illegal immigration issue, but it just doesn't compare to The Expendables, as the latter was the better overall film. In the end, Machete might distract you with it's laughs, violence and multicultural cast, but that doesn't make it as good a movie as you might think. It's okay, but not much more than that.

Raise your Machete if need to use the head!