Transform and Roll Out

Okay, the border animations from excellent Michael Bay films was a little harder to pull off than anticipated.

The biggest culprit is not my lack of technical know-how, but more the simple fact that there is in fact no such thing as an "excellent" Michael Bay film. Ever since his feature debut in the 1995 action comedy Bad Boys, one word can sum up the totality of Bay's directorial career: Loud. His films have never been critically acclaimed; his actors have never been greatly praised; the strength of the dialogue and the depth of plot has never been his forte. He doesn't care one bit, however. When Michael Bay makes a movie, he's out to do one thing and one thing only: get people into the theaters. To that end, he packs his films with explosions, babes, more explosions, and just about anything he can to entice the under-25 male crowd, which have fueled dozens of blockbuster films over the past decade, many of which were Bay's work. Criticize his filmography all you like, but he can work less hard than your perennial award nominee and has earned more paydays than Tom Hooper will likely make in his whole career. It's not a talent thing, but a hindbrain thing. Bay knows how to tap into his natural audience and, though he may tread a few missteps (I'm looking at you, The Island), just runs with it. That brings us to Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Bay's latest and final foray into the world of the toy line that has been entrancing young boys since the 1980's.

Just another day at the offices of Platinum Dunes

Despite saving the world twice and getting a fancy medal from President Obama, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) feels unappreciated, exacerbated by his current joblessness after graduating college, being dumped by his old girlfriend and his financial dependence on his current love interest Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). While he's trying to find his place in the world, the Autobots under the command of Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) are hard at work with their human allies, running black ops missions against the menaces of the world and biding time until the evil Decepticons inevitably reveal themselves to once again attempt world domination. This time their dastardly plan includes powerful Cybertron technology, a former NASA moon landing, and the return of former Autobot leader Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy).

Okay, Tea Party: time to take back America!

I wish I could say that there was anything here that didn't feel like a typical Michael Bay production, but there's really very little separating Dark of the Moon from anything else with his name slapped on it. Story, character development and societal implications are kicked to the curb (if they were there to begin with) in deference to action, sexy imagery and silly throwaway humor, all staples of Bay's work. The plot is thin and practically hanging from threads, with more emphasis brought to the fanboy attractions, such as Cullen voicing the role that made him a household name, even if most people don't really know what he looks like. Sure, there's the dangling participle that is Sam's journey to discover his relevance, but that's hardly an innovative or even interesting plot device. Sure, there's looking for your favorite Autobot or Decepticon, but most of those characters play infinitely tiny roles or are barely recognizable anyway. The Autobots come in varying colors, from Bumblebee's bright yellow to Dino's fiery red, while the Decepticons all look alike with limited shades of grey. Shockwave, Soundwave, Megatron and Starcream would all be nigh indecipherable but for minute differences, and if the minor villains are actually based on real Transformers characters, I'd be very surprised. There are a few standouts, most notably the voice acting of Cullen, Nimoy and Hugo Weaving, but many of the voice actors are wasted on minimally-featured robots that are only known to die-hard fans of the series.

"Yeah, we're not really that important."

At least the animated characters are far more interesting than most of their human counterparts. Shia Leboeuf shows his usual talent for both dramatic acting and humor, but he doesn't do anything special to prove that he's a legitimate star in the making. This has been the argument against LaBoeuf all along, of course, as he's had more success appearing in other people's work than in anything that he helped build. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson return to the parts they inhabited in the previous films but don't have nearly as much to do outside of the usual generic action schtick. As for the supporting characters, it's something of a tossup. For every Patrick Dempsey or Frances McDormand who play typical one-note characters, there's returning John Turturro as Seymour Simmons, a former government agent turned conspiracy author, John Malkovich as an obsessive-compulsive terror that is Sam's first boss, and the always-wonderful Alan Tudyk as Simmons' assistant with a shady past. These parts, along with a couple of pint-sized Autobots, provide much of the entertainment value inherent to the film. The real surprise is Huntington-Whiteley, a career model with no acting experience before being cast in this film. The Victoria's Secret model does a great job, surpassing all rightful expectations, and while she doesn't necessarily have the makings of a stellar acting career, she should have a decent stint in the industry playing pretty people in small roles.

This is what might happen if you cut off that mack truck

I did have some issues with the last act of the film, which sees the Decepticons turn the great city of Chicago into an American war-torn Sarajevo. During some scenes, several instances occur where the villains gun down innocent fleeing civilians, who explode into shreds of bone and cloth. This darker turn comes after a first half that featured a few deaths, but nothing so heinous that it was out of place. This was a problem I had with the final act of Green Lantern, as well; sure, you might assume it exists, but in a PG-13 film I don't expect civvies to get offed so flagrantly. I'd give Bay credit if I thought he at all realized that he was creating social commentary on the horrors inflicted on civilians in wartime; then again, he's Michael Bay, and I can't quite bring myself to believe that he did any of it on purpose. Also, while Bay has stated that this will be his last Transformers movie, I was surprised that the story so definitively ended, with very little opportunity now to continue under different directors. Still, I enjoyed Transformers: Dark of the Moon. It has its problems; sure, it can be described as a "spectacle" with little going for it besides visuals; sure, its no Hanna or Thor or even Fast Five. I had a good time in the theater regardless, and it was at least better than many of the crappy action sequels that have been released so far in 2011. You might need an advanced degree in Transformers History to fully appreciate what you're seeing, but overall Dark of the Moon is a fun night at the movies that was released for fanboys but can at least be enjoyed on some level by just about anyone.

Candy Land

Okay, I still haven't seen the new Transformers movie. There are many out there breathing a sigh of relief (it was commented by my ticket taker while attending a second showing of Midnight in Paris on Wednesday that he was so happy to see someone seeing that film on Transformers release night; I told him to sod off), but eventually I'm going to get to it. This means that those of you film purists who might prefer Hello, Mr. Anderson to review nothing but dramatic foreign films subtitled exclusively in Helvetica get a reprieve... THIS time. Come Monday this site WILL be headlined by a giant Optimus Prime poster while the borders of the page stream live scenes from other excellent Michael Bay films. So, all you film snobs out there can be thankful I haven't unleashed that epic awesomeness on your pretentious hides and settle for a well-received (if American) low-budget indie film, in this case the psychological thriller Hard Candy. This was another recommendation from "Southland Dan", and I have to say this film sure came with some pre-warnings. My roommate watched the movie and refused to speak for days afterward, huddling in a corner and scrawling nearly illegible messages on her walls about the koalas coming to steal her teeth while she slept. Granted, she was going through eucalyptus withdrawal at the time, so perhaps that wasn't too unusual. However, there was also our friend Ryan, who suffered a leg injury in Dan's presence (under mysterious circumstances) before seeing Hard Candy, and had been unable to stand up while being coerced into watching it. Both these sources admitted that the film was quite good, but something in there freaked them out beyond all belief. Mr. Anderson was going to find out why.

Have you seen this girl? You know, before Juno

Hard Candy opens with a silently disturbing scene, an online chat between Hayley Stark (Ellen Page), a 14-year-old girl, and Jeff Kohlver (Patrick Wilson), a 32-year-old professional photographer. In case their casual flirting was not cringe-worthy enough, the two plan to meet in person in the near future. Once they do that, Jeff convinces Hayley to come over his house, where the two enjoy drinks and Jeff's collection of photos of under-aged near-nude teen models. Then... well, that's the thing, isn't it? I wasn't warned what would happen, and while part of me would like to spoil every scary detail, if you don't know what happens you should watch this and find out for yourselves. Let it be said that a character's fight for survival has rarely been more satisfying or riveting.

La Femme Nikita she ain't

Released in 2005, Hard Candy was the feature film debut for director David Slade, whose earlier work consisted of mainly music videos. Since this particular film, Slade's film career has hardly been gangbusters, as his name has only been associated with the underrated 30 Days of Night and the just-about-correctly rated Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Of course, Hard Candy was far more limited than either of those efforts, with a budget of less than a million dollars and most of the filming done on a sound stage. The low quality does on occasion become obvious, but not often enough to be either a distraction or a hindrance. Slade does end many scenes by fading to black, which gets old after the first time and doesn't even do a good job of setting up any false endings. Obviously, he was still in music video mode, unsure how to quite master the idea of a narrative that went on for more than a few minutes at a time.

Four out of five doctors agree: this movie is MESSED UP

The acting is quite good, and even if the film really boils down to a two person show, it's an excellent one. Patrick Wilson had impressed me this year with his work in the horror film Insidious, and I was happy to once more witness a strong performance from him, and at a time when he was even less of a known quantity than he is now. Is Jeff a pedophile or isn't he? That's the question Hard Candy constantly asks you, and it's to his credit that you really aren't sure through the entirety of the film. Ellen Page was still two years away from critical acclaim and several award nominations for her leading role in Juno, but even here she shows a remarkable talent, as Hayley is rich and full of character. Page is not unrecognizable; her nymph-like looks are immediately discernible to anyone who has seen any one of her films, but the amount of personality that is not hers that she can convey is almost paramount. This might be the best I've seen of Page, as her more high-profile roles really pale in comparison. Sandra Oh makes a small appearance, but any hoping to see a performance as strong as those in Sideways or Grey's Anatomy will be disappointed.

You don't want to know... but you should watch anyway

For the few faults it carries, Hard Candy is a much better film than you might think the first five minutes in. Slade's directorial debut is far from perfect, yet he does manage to hold the audience's loyalties in the palm of his hand as he ups the ante at every turn. The amazing talent at his disposal helps seal the deal, and while some might get turned off by the themes present, Hard Candy is definitely worth a rental if you're into this particular genre. If you're not, well, I still think you should give it a shot. I call to all of you to set your pretensions aside; to embrace other ways of thinking.

That should get you prepared for the Transformers review Monday.

To Mimic a Copycat

I'm not touching Cars 2. Transformers Dark of the Moon is out, but I haven't had the chance to see it yet. I've viewed just about everything else in theaters worth watching (and a few that aren't). All that adds up to today heralding a Mr. Anderson Retro Review, this one for the 1997 sci-fi horror film Mimic. I didn't see this title when it was first released. Mimic's origins come from a proposed trio of short films, two of which were turned instead into full-blown motion pictures. Impostor, the other full-length title, was a box office dud that isn't remotely remembered today. Mimic, however, got enough of a push that its mention doesn't draw blank stares, even if its box office numbers might not have impressed by any means. It even spawned two direct-to-DVD sequels, unlikely though to have made their way to any home-owned shelves. Discovering Mimic on Netflix Streaming turned out to be a pleasant surprise, almost as much as learning that acclaimed director Guillermo del Toro was behind the creation of it. These days del Toro has become something of a film legend, with his unique style of directing and ability to capture beautiful dark images making a legacy out of his career, including such titles as Hellboy, The Devil's Backbone and the widely-praised Pan's Labyrinth. Even when he's involved in films that he's not directing, he carries an obvious influence that adopts his touch into something recognizable as his work. Back then, Mimic was only his second feature film, and his first heavily promoted one. This of course caused me even greater anticipation for the film, as even if I wasn't destined to like it, there would surely be much to admire and respect.

Happy Birthday! Awww... you're DEAD!

After introducing a genetically-bred strain of insect into the sewers under New York City to help combat cockroaches spreading Strickler's Disease, a plague that is targeting small children, Dr. Susan Tyler (Mira Sorvino) is hailed as a hero to the people, with only a small minority taking umbrage with her "playing God" by creating a new life form. Still, it produces results, and years later the disease has been eradicated. However, a new plague stalks the city's underbelly. Tyler's bugs, thought to have been infertile and died out, have evolved, mimicking their prey to eradicate them, with humans next on the food chain. Confronted with this, Tyler and her husband Dr. Peter Mann (Jeremy Northam) venture into the sewers to discover just how far the creatures have come and to stop them from escaping the sewers of New York and eradicating the human race in the long run.

Ewwwww....

The first thing you might notice about Mimic is that it feels like something you've seen before. As a typical monster/slasher flick, you could easily draw comparisons to a number of similar films, most notably the Alien series with its insect-like horrific creatures. Mimic similarly spends a lot of time in dark, claustrophobic places, mostly in the sewer and subway tunnels under New York, a labyrinth that includes everything from Mole People habitats to abandoned rail tunnels. The creature effects are also strikingly similar, not surprising considering the easy comparisons drawn between Mimic's shape-changing bugs and Alien's environment-blending death-dealers. They even secrete the same sticky resin that - while hardly unique to either race - lets the audience know that they're nearby when a characters steps in it.

When you get out of this, I recommend investing a little money in some shampoo.

The similarities to other films extend even to Mimic's lead role. Dr. Susan Tyler is a smart, resourceful woman who battles her own demons and issues of motherhood. Ellen Ripley, anyone? Sarah Connor? Though not physically as strong as either of those characters eventually became, Susan still shares many of their themes, and more represents their early weaknesses and damsel in distress situations here. If Mimic had become a legitimate franchise, the character might have adopted their stronger traits and become more of a heroine, but alas that was not meant to be. Regardless, Sorvino is good enough to match talents with Sigourney Weaver and Linda Hamilton as she offers a great performance, one that netted her a Saturn Award nomination for best actress that year. It's scary to think that she could easily have had Jennifer Aniston's career, as watching her in this film is like seeing Friends turned into a blood-soaked horror-fest, with monsters cast instead of Davis Schwimmer, with nobody noticing the difference.

Yes, Mira, the New York sewers will probably be dirty.

You can't have a heroine in distress without a manly hero who actually saves the day, and Jeremy Northam fills this role fairly easily. Despite looking like an MIT nerd and with a job to match, Northam does a decent job for a character with preciously little time developed. Josh Brolin and Giancarlo Giannini play a police officer and a father who's son has been taken by the monsters, respectively. Neither plays a large role in the story, with their side parts only leading to their eventual demises. Another throwback to the Alien series is the casting of Charles S. Dutton, who had starred in Alien3 five years earlier. Dutton plays a disgruntled T cop, one who for good reason doesn't want to be stuck down in the sewers with these things. F. Murray Abraham makes an appearance as well in a small role as a doctor condemning Tyler's methods for eradicating the Strickler's Disease. Most of these supporting roles come off as hollow caricatures, even if they are well-acted caricatures. It's a shame that Dr. Tyler is the only one with a developed persona, but unfortunately, that's the way it panned out.

I don't look THAT much like Rachel!

The effect del Toro brings to the table is difficult to ignore, and even at a relatively young age he possessed the talents to create perfect camera angles. His darker elements are also readily present, and you can see where the elements to many of his future projects began to take shape. While Mimic is not a perfect movie (or even one the director was happy with), I certainly enjoyed it for what it was. A somewhat derivative throwback horror film with a truly scary monster, Mimic is good enough to wish it had performed better, though it is far from one that I'd consider re-watching, unless del Toro ever releases a director's cut a la David Fincher's Alien3. If you haven't seen this film but you like the genre, I definitely give Mimic my seal of approval.

Bad... Just Bad

Sometimes as a film reviewer I absolutely KNOW when I'm going to hate a movie well before I've purchased a ticket for entry. While some films have surprised me as to the levels of their suckitude, such as Sucker Punch, many more have met expectations well below even baseline standards, their ranks flush with titles like The Eagle, Your Highness, and Red Riding Hood. At a certain point I can only justify so much, and often I go into a theater knowing that I won't emerge pleased with the experience, ready to warn you my readers of crimes against your sensibilities and your wallets. Bad Teacher is another in that growing list of titles in which I knew any preexisting standards would be too high. For one, I can't think of a single film I'VE seen where Cameron Diaz has proven her star status. Sure, she was good in The Mask, but what has she done lately that has been remotely interesting? Secondly, the trailers seemed to rely on vulgarity over anything actually comedic, a sad trend to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Finally, the story that was presented came down to a complete insult to educators in general, portraying the "hero" of the tale as someone who doesn't care at all about her students, only bothering with them when there's something in it for her. As someone who is friends with teachers and holds great respect for the work they do, I couldn't help but feel like this subversive fantasy paints these hard-working sorts in a negative light with little to no redemption on the horizon.

So who's the bigger tool?

Elizabeth Halsey (Diaz) dislikes her chosen profession as a teacher, a career that she for some reason at one point chose. After a failed engagement to a rich sucker ended an early attempt to quit teaching, Elizabeth is forced to return to the classroom she hates. Determined to escape, she tries to gain the attentions of the new substitute teacher Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), who has a substantial family fortune, and to that end is trying to save up for a super expensive boob job. Elizabeth is confronted on many sides, however; the teacher across the hall, Amy Squirrell (Lucy Punch), suspects the worst in Elizabeth, while gym teacher Russell Gettis (Jason Segel) vies for her affections.

Diaz won this year's "Wrinkled Fish" competition hands down

I'm really not sure where the appeal for this type of film lies. It's certainly not in the storytelling, which is haphazard and all over the place like a drunk driver on New Year's Day. That's an appropriate comparison to Elizabeth, who is so unlikable that it's amazing that she's portrayed as the hero of the tale, not to mention a potential romantic interest for not one but two characters. Is it me, or is the whole notion of the "good guy" being the person who has no compulsion to help her students out of the goodness of her heart while the "bad guy" is one who actually has the interests and well-being of the children in mind completely insane? Not helping matters is the focus of the film. Concentrating on the three least sympathetic characters does Bad Teacher no favors, with the story and dialogue failing to provide amusement through either comedy or commentary. There's nothing here about the rigors, excitement or rewards of being a teacher; students are mere caricatures and the people making up the faculty aren't much better.

The most balls the film can muster

A little bit of humanity wouldn't have hurt, especially distributed among the main cast. What attracted Diaz to this offensive role is in serious question, as she usually chooses more audience-friendly fare in which to be seen, such as the crowd-pleasing Charlie's Angels. I guess she liked the idea of being part in such a foul-mouthed comedy, but there's very little to the character Elizabeth Halsey that is either challenging or deep. Diaz is fine as a uncaring educator, but this is just more proof of a low-ceiling role that Diaz takes to make a buck while neglecting to challenge herself, which is why she's not and will never be a top-flight talent. Timberlake is similarly wasted, as even his trademark charm does him no good with the realization that his character is a brainless tool, deserving of neither Elizabeth's nor our admiration. Unlike last year's Social Network, which utilized near the entirety of Timberlake's charisma, there's no reason this film couldn't have cast a nobody performer; the audience probably wouldn't have noticed the difference. Punch is the best of the three, but of course her character is villainized due solely to her opposing Elizabeth. She does get a few moments to shine, but she's neither a well-known enough actress nor particularly consistent enough to engage us.

No, those aren't Muppets with Segel, but I can see what you're talking about

It's with the secondary characters of Bad Teacher where you can start to see where things could have gone right for the film. Jason Segel is great in his smallish role of the gym teacher with interests in Elizabeth. Segel does a great job with these "nice guy" roles, further evidenced here with a character that is as fun to watch as he is underutilized. This also comes through as the film uses its smaller roles to inflict its best impacts upon the audience, with Modern Family's Eric Stonestreet, The Office's Phyllis Smith, and Reno 911's Thomas Lennon sharing not only the best dialogue and comedic elements, but the film's best overall acting talent with Segel

Why do I suddenly have Fountains of Wayne going through my head?

I could go on for paragraphs about the twisted morality of rooting between the characters of Elizabeth and Amy Squirrell, but I have no interest in giving this film more attention than it deserves. Among the worst that 2011 has so far offered, Bad Teacher could have been more than the obtuse, crude fantasy for the teachers out there who really hate their jobs, but not by much. This is likely the worst from director Jake Kasdan, and since he was responsible for the farce that was Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, that says a lot about what I thought of this Bad Teacher. There are a lot of forgivable crimes in the world of film and Hollywood, but a comedy that isn't funny doesn't get a lot of respect or leniency from me, and it shouldn't from you, either.

Games to Play Again: Sid Meier's Pirates

Sometimes I get bored with the current generation's crop of gaming goodness provided to me and look for a change of pace. Often that change comes from purchasing and downloading a new video game, but often I find myself delving into my collection and picking something out that I haven't played in a very long time. Many of the titles in my possession are good ones, but have the unenviable task of keeping my attention until I can finish them, which as you can surmise from that statement is harder than it would at first appear. I love huge-story RPG's like Baldur's Gate or any title in the Final Fantasy series, but I couldn't tell you the last one I actually completed. With those games, when you go back to them you almost feel like you have to go start all over from the beginning like an unfinished novel, lest you forget the small details that allow the story to make sense. But when you go return to a game like Sid Meier's Pirates, which was released in 2004, you easily can hop right back in where you left off, not at all the worse for wear. It's what makes the game so much fun, and what makes me eager to write about when it was a light week for movies.

What kind of pirate tale would this be without a tavern, complete with wenches?

A remake of the 1987 computer game of the same name, Pirates is an open-ended adventure first conceived by legendary game creator Sid Meier. Meier, whose other work includes popular titles Railroad Tycoon, Alpha Centauri and Civilization (which had at one point entranced not only me but several good co-workers). The idea behind Pirates was a basic one: live the life of a pirate captain during the Golden Age of Piracy, and eventually retire in the lap of luxury. Your path there is where the game excels, as you can pursue those goals through whatever means are available to you, from capturing and sinking ships, to sacking towns and ports, seducing Governors' daughters and launching furious land battles. There's also a background story involving missing family members and evil Spanish lords, but we'll get to that later. Pirates allowed you to ally yourself with any of the major nations, turn on them, gain favors and have bounties called down on your head. Becoming the most notorious scalliwag of the Seven Seas is no easy task, but if you play your cards right, you could become the most feared scourge in the Caribbean and STILL retire in the comfort of a Governor's mansion.

These boys will be loyal to you for LIFE... or at least as long for as you can pay them.

A new game begins with a small backstory; when the fleet under your family's power is lost at sea, the debt they owe to the evil Marquis de Montalban is called, and he enslaves the whole clan. Only you, a young boy at the time, escapes. Ten years later and as an adult, you sign on with a ship of the nationality you choose (Spanish, English, French or Dutch), headed to the New World. When the ship captain's harsh ways incite a mutiny, the crew names you their new leader. Upon reaching the Caribbean, you can then run your ship (and eventually a fleet) as you see fit, allying with nations constantly at war with one another and perhaps even battling the sinister Marquis and his right-hand man Baron Raymondo to rescue your family. Or you can choose not to do that, and wage an ongoing battle with galleons, cities, and whoever will supply you with their well-earned finances and goods.

The world of the Caribbean will either be your oyster or your death bed, so be careful

The first and most important skills to learn are sailing and navigation. Moving from place to place is relatively easy in Pirates, especially once you get used to checking the navigational charts for where you want to go. Cities are clearly marked for their allegiances (so you know whether to avoid or head to a city that is friendly or hostile towards you), and so are ships, which constantly prowl the sea lanes beyond every port. You'll occasionally be directed towards particularly profitable ventures, but hey; if you want to attack that random Spanish Trade Galleon, even if your parent nation is currently at peace with Spain, go ahead! Sea combat is a cat and mouse game of trying to fire your cannons at the enemy without getting in their sights as well. Like every other minigame you'll be presented with, its easy to learn but difficult to master. Swordfights crop up everywhere, from scrims with sea captains to routed criminals, to a drunken Captain of the Guard. Obviously being proficient at wielding such a sharp instrument is as necessary for you in the game as it was for real-life pirates back in the day, though back then it probably wasn't nearly as fun..

If you wanted it you should have put a ring on it

Governor's daughters are another tool to learning information, receiving useful gifts and gaining major brownie points. Most major cities and ports have one, ranging from plain to beautiful, with beauty seeming directly related to bust size. Getting invited to the ball and successfully completing dancing mini-games (which are a lot of fun once you get the mechanics down), you're well on your way to seducing a bride to be, complete with a big wedding inhabited by your foul, grog-swilling crew. And if you're feeling particularly... polyamorous, the game allows this, though it's a shame there's no penalty for wives discovering one another's existence. It's still one of the better-rounded aspects of the game, and I find myself skipping friendly ports to avoid a particularly unattractive spinster.

"En garde! Touche!" ...oh, that is so cliche.

There are some less-than perfectly implemented tools in here as well. While land combat can be a lot of fun, the units are chosen for you, and you can't sort them out to your liking. You can adjust your starting location, but that really only slightly adds to the strategic element, making for a section of the game far too easy for those with any reasonable experience in strategy gaming. Sneaking is also a weak feature in my opinion. If you are trying to enter a hostile port and either don't have the manpower or don't want to launch a land attack, you can optionally sneak into the city yourself and try to reach places like the tavern or the governor's mansion. I've never been a fan of stealth as a gameplay mechanic, however (my forays into the franchises Thief, Splinter Cell and Metal Gear Solid have been unsurprisingly short), and here the feeling is compounded by uncertainty involving where you are and are going. If I could just see where I was trying to go, I would be more forgiving, but it's a useless tactic most of the time, one to be avoided.

...who from then on has absolutely nothing to do with your reprobate ways.

Like many of Sid Meier's games, the violence and lewdness is alluded to, but never actually shown in a graphic manner. Rated E for everyone means that sword strikes draw no blood, cannonballs merely sweep men off the decks into the water, and victory ends in an enemy being incapacitated or knocked overboard, not killed. It also means that the women may get ogled in a Jessica Rabbit manner, but otherwise are not overly-sexualized, so any looking for some kind of "hot coffee" mod need not apply. Meier's games have always attempted to be family-friendly, and this one was no exception, as gamers of any age can step in and enjoy.

Whatever you do, don't get distracted by the cleavage

The plot mentioned earlier may have little to no impact on your style of gameplay. If you want to rescue the members of your family and get revenge on the Marquis, you can, but you can just as easily let them rot and the game will think no less of you. After all, the city of Nevis needs you to bring in a new Governor! The more fame you gather, the more notorious a pirate you become, with one or more nations levying a bounty on your person and sending pirate hunters after your head. Also occupying the world with you are nine famous pirates, from the dreaded Blackbeard and Francois L'Olonnais to the charismatic Bart Roberts. Sadly these names are scarcely as difficult to face as the other ineffective enemies the game throws at you. This is disappointing since they would have likely represented the best challenge to be had, but really are no different than the average privateer on the high seas. It's one of the few real problems this game has, but thankfully it's not a death-dealer.

That reminds me... Mr. Anderson needs a butler...

So many years after its initial PC release, you can pretty much get Sid Meier's Pirates on any gaming system other than the PS3 (add this to the multitude of Sony's sins), with the game having come out for the Xbox and Wii systems and even made available for you silly Mac users. If you're a PC gamer like myself, you might want to check out the Steam Store, which currently has this fun title available for only $9.99. Easy to pick up, difficult to put away, and with only a few miscues, this is a pirate-y adventure you should do yourself the favor and play at LEAST once.

Stroke of Midnight

FINALLY.

After my regular theater conspired against me seeing Midnight in Paris last week, I used my recently-gained time off to go out of my way to rectify that particular situation. Once again my destination was the Coolidge Corner Theatre in Brookline, Massachusetts, a mere twenty-five minute walk from my apartment. Because it doesn't play the blockbusters, it's not my usual film-going destination, but if I want to see an indie release and the big boys can't deliver, Coolidge hooks me up. I honestly didn't know going in that it would be worth it, however. I'm not so much a fan of Woody Allen's directing these days. While his early works are among the most heralded films in Hollywood, more recent releases have hardly made splashes, with even the well-regarded Vicky Cristina Barcelona over-hyped save for the stellar acting by Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz and the beautiful Spanish setting. Even when his films have been critically acclaimed, they often don't attract nearly the attention from audiences that most Hall-of-Famers pick up. Sure, some of them make money, but when you consider that he puts out at least one movie a year, it's shocking how little overall attention his career actually gets. Part of that has to do with his public persona. I'm sorry, but there was no way the whole "breaking up with Mia Farrow and then marrying her adopted daughter" was ever going to take on a positive spin. Actors still seem to want to work with him, which is positive at least (but then again, some also want to work with a convicted child rapist, so there's your counterpoint); still, the idea of a "Woody Allen" picture can hardly be appealing these days since his name neither guarantees success nor publicity. But enough about box office grosses and paparazzi politics; Midnight has had almost no ill spoken of it, hence my desire to catch this before it completely slips my mind and I have to scrounge for it in three months on DVD.

It's gonna be a long night

Following her parents on a business trip to the capital of France, successful screenwriter Gil Pender (Owen Wilson) travels along with his fiance Inez (Rachel McAdams) to what he considers the greatest city on the planet. Wishing to avoid interacting with Inez's pompous friend Paul (Michael Sheen), Gil wanders the streets of Paris alone until he hinds himself lost. When the midnight clock strikes, he finds himself magically transported back in time to the 1920's, what he considers Paris' greatest era. Gil interacts with the famous artists who frequented the great city during that time, and the more often he visits the past, the less he wants to remain in the present, where he feels unwanted and under-appreciated by the people around him.

"Would you like a little more pretentious attitude with your Cabernet?"

The trailer for Midnight in Paris is a good example of one that doesn't do the parent product justice. While in the two minutes you're given to decide whether you want to see the film, Midnight comes off as unfunny, dull, confusing and perhaps a bit trite, certainly not the epitome of entertainment that the critics' circle would have you believe. What actually comes out is shockingly fun; not only is the dialogue clever and the story sound, but Allen really lets you see why he considers Paris to be such an amazing city. Many camera shots are beautifully realized, either allowing you to wonder at  the city's beautiful skyline or marvel at the maze of its enclosed streets. Allen doesn't let you get the idea that Paris is anything less than a MAGICAL city, and that means the human drama centering around the location's charismatic aura feel more honest and natural, not unlike Vicky Cristina Barcelona's love affair with Spain.

Yes, that's Allison Pill. Very different from her Scott Pilgrim role

One of the best aspects of Midnight is actually meeting the many writers and artists who Gil is inspired by on the big screen. From F. Scott and Zelda Firzgerald (Tom Hiddleston and Allison Pill), Gertrude Stein (Kathy Bates), Ernest Hemingway (Corey Stall) and Cole Porter (Yves Heck), Gil is at first terrified of the implications that he has become trapped in the past, but eventually grows comfortable as he discovers that he is where he wanted to be all along. He's reliving a golden period in Paris' history, and we get to see the combined fruits of that labor. It helps that the actors convincingly portray the more characterized of these in the few scenes in which they appear. Though they may not be the most important part of Midnight, they are still an entertaining and charming element, crucial to the success of the picture.

Dammit, now I want to be there NOW

The acting present here is also better than you might initially think. I can't remember the last time I've been excited to see Owen Wilson in ANYTHING (just that it's been a LONG time...), but it's little surprise that he can take on Allen's written dialogue and come out on top. Though it would be easy to dismiss Owen as a Woody Allen knockoff, he really does seem to make the role his own, and not come off as just a cheap copycat. Marion Cotillard is wonderful as Adriana, a 20's Parisian whom Gil falls for and is also in love with the French capital. It's not the strongest Cotillard role I've ever seen, but she still manages to exude the same charm that has powered her Hollywood career. McAdams and Sheen are good in their roles, though both are essentially portrayed as "the bad guy" and are shown having no redeeming qualities. It's one thing for Sheen, whose character Gil can't stand due to his pompous nature. But one of the themes Midnight introduces is the idea that someone can be in love with two women at once, and while it's easy to see our intrepid explorer falling for Adriana, it's equally difficult to see him having fallen in love with Inez. There's no reason given for Gil to fight for Inez, a seemingly strange omission when that theme is so obviously struck.The coup that casting directors pulled off was hiring former model and singer Carla Bruni to play a small role. I don't know how they managed to secure President Nicolas Sarkozy's wife for the part, but the gorgeous Bruni does a good job, even if her involvement in the film itself is more than a bit surprising.

Bruni can read books to be any day

Spending my afternoon seeing Midnight in Paris ended up being much more entertaining than I could have imagined, as the storytelling, acting, and surprising humor kept me intrigued and attentive throughout the entire film's run. Sure, it's a bit fantastical and at times a bit to-the-point (especially during the present day scenes), and some scenes are slightly out of context with the rest of the story, but I honestly never expected in this day and age to love a film featuring BOTH Allen and Wilson. Honest and charming, it falls in at #8 for 2011. For Allen, Midnight in Paris might be his best work in years, or at least his most deservedly attended. After all, far too many of his works have fallen by the wayside, never to be recovered. Does anyone out there even REMEMBER Cassandra's Dream? Or Scoop? Melinda and Melinda, anyone? If you do go ahead and give yourself a gold star, but I guarantee you most people DON'T. That's the real tragedy of Allen's career; in the decades to come, much of his work will likely fade into obscurity, while James Cameron's Avatar will sadly be remembered for generations to come.

Brightest Day or Blackest Night?

Are we getting sick of comic book films yet? That question will have been answered this past weekend when the take from the opening of DC Comics' Green Lantern has been counted out. Reported to be a $200 MILLION picture, its creation represents a huge risk, especially since there are only a handful of films released this year that earned that much. A large number of superhero/comic book films have been released this year as well, as titles from the mediocre Green Hornet to the excellent X-Men First Class making 2011 unparalleled for like releases. To top things off, Green Lantern has always been a B-class superhero for DC comics, with the company rotating the emerald mantle among a number of different characters to attract readers (Alan Scott, John Stewart, Guy Gardner, Kyle Ranier; take your pick). The point is that Green Lantern is a nice idea for a movie, but doesn't quite pack the anticipation for an audience comprised of more than your local fanboys (you know who they are). Despite these concerns I was still interested in seeing this film (and scoffed at by any who were told), not only because I'm a pseudo-comics fan, but because I was also attracted to the talented cast that featured Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively and Mark Strong. I also heard nothing but good things about Peter Sarsgaard as the film's villain, and with those combined talents I simply couldn't say no to an opening weekend show. I was surely only one of a few (my theater was sadly half-full) but sometimes you go into a film anticipating little more than visual spectacle; sometimes that's all you get. Other times you may come away with something more.

I hereby induct you into the Society of Bro's

After panicking and mentally freezing during a training exercise, test pilot Hal Jordan (Reynolds) is grounded and unable to come to terms with the fear that has plagued him his whole life. That makes the next series of events even more unbelievable, with the arrival of a dying alien, Abin Sur (Temuera Morrison), and a cosmic power ring that he hands to Jordan, naming him the newest recruit to the Green Lantern Corps, an intergalactic police force that protects the innocent. One of the Corps' greatest enemies, a being powered by fear called Parallax (Clancy Brown) has escaped imprisonment and is building strength before attacking the Lanterns outright. With Earth square in Parallax's path of destruction, Jordan must overcome his fears and save the universe, proving he has the mettle to be a true hero.

Hal's awkward prom years...

Though this title is far from the first comic book film released this year, Green Lantern did have one distinct advantage out of the gate; it was the only major property from DC Comics to have a release for 2011. In the past, the products of DC's rival Marvel Comics have often made for poor films, while DC has enjoyed great success, especially with the franchises born from their greatest heroes, Superman and Batman. For a long time, it seemed like their products could do no wrong (Yes, I am ignoring Steel, starring former Celtic Shaquille O'Neal). In recent years, it has been the opposite, as DC has barely maintained a minimum quality to their theatrical releases, with the obvious exception of the Batman reboot. Green Lantern gives the comic company a potential frontline unit, to build not just one but a series of films around.

Yeah, if I were you I'd get that looked at...

On the casting front, at least Green Lantern sports the right names for the job. Hal Jordan for years as a comic character was kind of square, so shoehorning Reynolds into the part works out exceptionally well. Reynolds brings the same blend of talent and humor that he brings to every role, resulting in an entertaining performance that screams "leading man". His natural charisma of course is the reason he's been so successful in the first place, but he really tries to stretch himself to new heights here. It's too bad all his best jokes were revealed in the film's several trailers; many funny moments elicited nary a titter from the audience. Lively again forces herself away from the Gossip Girl spotlight in a more mature role. After being underrated in last year's The Town, Lively doesn't quite ascend to those lofty heights; however, she still acts beyond her years as Carol Ferris, who thankfully is no mere love interest for Jordan, as she's too smart, strong, spunky and brave to be stuck in that gutter. She would probably be seen as the best part of the cast, if it weren't for Sarsgaard. The actor, who was nominated for a Golden Globe for the 2003 film Shattered Glass, does a wonderful job playing Hector Hammond, an acquaintance of Jordan and Ferris who unwittingly becomes exposed to the influences of the film's main villain and becomes one of Green Lantern's nemeses. It helps that the role is sympathetically written, as you actually feel sorry for Hammond over the course of the film. Sarsgaard takes that aspect and runs with it, and how this man hasn't had a high-profile leading role astounds me (mayhaps our good friend Elmo has something to do with it, Sarsgaard being married to Maggie Gyllenhaal, his longtime object of affection). Some of the supporting roles are chocked with talent, but don't do a whole hell of a lot. Angela Bassett is wasted on DC supervillain Dr. Amanda Waller, who doesn't do much more than deliver dialogue in a sardonic manner. Same with Taika Waititi, who plays one of Jordan's best friends but only appears in the few scenes where Ferris doesn't fit in. Morrison may be best known as Jango Fett but does a good job in the small role of dying alien Abin Sur. The Green Lantern Corps as a whole doesn't really do much more than that, with Strong once again putting forth a strong (sorry) performance as Sinestro, and Geoffrey Rush and Michael Clarke Duncan doing some suitable voice work on the side. You get the feeling that if there are future films, they will hold a larger role, but here don't have as much of an impact.

How does one best admit that he has a magic lantern and flies around in tights all day?

And impact is mostly what's missing from Green Lantern, both in the visuals and in the narrative. It's obvious that a lot of money was spent rendering and polishing all the animation and converting it into yet another 3D film. More than a few of the visuals however look unfinished, especially those that take place in space and on the Green Lantern planet of Oa. Though the imagery is better than several similar films over the course of 2011, this was already a film that relied on visuals more than story, and to falter even slightly in that respect makes for an underwhelming experience. The main story's focus on overcoming fear is hardly strong enough to stand on its own, although it is at least done in a realistic manner. Green Lantern also takes some darker turns in the final act which feel out of place amid the rest of the story. Finally, the film doesn't feel like a standalone product, with Parallax and Hector Hammond seemingly holding the fort until a real villain comes along, presumably in a sequel.

A childhood dream of being known as "The Crimson Avenger goes unfulfilled

But a sequel would seem unlikely, given the circumstances. Instead of introducing a new superhero to the masses, Green Lantern only manages to appeal to diehard fans of the character, and even the groundbreaking comic series Sinestro Corps and Blackest Night over the past few years hasn't raised his popularity to the point where a movie is necessarily a great idea. Still, the film is better than it probably has any right being, and overall I enjoyed myself in the theater despite its multitude of flaws. It will probably be remembered as among the weakest superhero films of 2011, but people shouldn't take that as a sign that is a bad movie. It had a good if not great time, and if you can't wait until it comes out on DVD, do yourself the favor of at least not paying premium rates to see it in 3D.