I Dreamed a Dream: A Hello, Mr. Anderson Oscar Recap

There has been a struggle the past few years when it comes to the annual television presentation of the the Academy Awards. Every year, sponsors and reviewers bemoan a distinct lack of young viewers, with the audience slowly getting higher up in average age. In an attempt to appeal to these elusive men and women, a number of appeals have been made, starting with the expansion of films eligible for the Best Picture award in 2009 and then turning to younger, more appealing Oscar hosts. In 2011 the Academy brought in James Franco and Anne Hathaway in an attempt to appear "young and hip", and just last year the show was going to be directed by popular hack Brett Ratner and hosted by Eddie Murphy until Ratner's unfortunate gay slur incident, which necessitated a quick turn to old reliable Billy Crystal. Yesterday it was Family Guy and Ted creator Seth MacFarlane who got the call, easily the most controversial selection of the modern era. In the meantime, the organization proceeded to nominate art films and critical darlings while blockbusters and sci-fi titles continued to get the shaft recognition-wise. But while Sunday was still business as usual, did it at least take some steps in the right direction?

Let's look at MacFarlane's contribution first. There was never any doubt as to the host's controversial nature, and he made good on that threat by tossing out a few bon mots at the earliest opportunity, including a good one at eventual Best Picture winner Argo's director Ben Affleck. But while MacFarlane at first appeared intent on not holding back any punches, Oscar politics got involved (or perhaps he just displayed some common sense as to what was expected of him) and he started holding back. His opening sequence was decent, highlighted by William Shatner as James Kirk and both a mini softshoe bit with the host, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe and a dance scene featuring the talents of Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum (No, not Magic Mike style). While he still had a few winners in the humor department, MacFarlane too often seemed to be trying to appease everyone, and when you combine that with his generally hit-or-miss jokes, it wasn't always good. He got in a few good jibes, but for the most part he played it safe. That said, he was still the best host the show has had in years (not counting the Hathaway half of two years past), thanks in no small part to his self-deprecating style, genuinely good timing and the ability to actually belt a tune on occasion. With the exception of an opening that took far too long, there's really not much to complain about.

Tommy Lee Jones: one of the night's many non-winners.

The rest of the night was a cross between awesome musical performances, middling sidebars and tributes, and upset after upset for the award winners (at least as far as my picks went, anyway...). On the musical side, we got performances from the cast of Les Miserables (and their Oscar-nominated song "Suddenly"), Catherine Zeta-Jones showing off her gams in a song from Chicago (which was celebrating its 10'th anniversary), Jennifer Hudson busting her ass to deliver her iconic bit from Dreamgirls, and eventual Original Song winner Adele barely breaking a sweat in delivering her masterful "Skyfall". The performances were not all great, with the Chicago performance - while still fun - coming off as a bit cluttered on the stage, and the tribute to the music of James Bond (for the franchise's 50'th anniversary) a bit underwhelming. I know that Bond movies feature explosions, but when the focus is supposed to be on the music, it hurts when the sound effects overshadow what you're trying to celebrate. It's an example of how director Don Mischer was perhaps a bit overtaxed in his duties. More often than not, the music ran overlong, and at one point the viewers at home plain missed the beginning of one segment. Technically speaking, the show had its share of faults. Not so much that it was a disaster, but enough mistakes were made that Mischer - who has directed his share of public events in the past - likely won't be invited back next year.

That she tripped wasn't so shocking as much as that she could sit down in the first place.

The show also wasn't nearly as predictable as many (myself included) thought it would be. Political thriller Zero Dark Thirty, whom many considered to be the best movie of 2012, only took home one award, tying Skyfall in the Sound Editing category. Silver Linings Playbook also disappointed, the romantic comedy puling out only one trophy. It should be noted however that the one award SLP managed to snag was a major one, with Jennifer Lawrence upsetting ZD30's favored Jessica Chastain and three other talented performers in a very crowded Best Actress category. Other surprises included Christoph Waltz (Best Supporting Actor), Quentin Tarantino (Original Screenplay for Django), the overrated Brave (Animated Feature) and especially Ang Lee winning Best Director, which for a few moments convinced us that Life of Pi might actually take home the night's big prize. Life of Pi was indeed the belle of the ball, though Argo managed to eke out some major victories, almost as if the Academy was apologizing for snubbing Ben Affleck in the Director category. Sure, some awards were easy to see coming, between Daniel Day-Lewis' foregone Best Actor win (he both gave a lovely speech and got the biggest laugh of the night), Anne Hathaway's much-deserved Best Supporting Actress win and Life of Pi's many technical achievements, but for the most part it was an open field of potential that was insanely difficult to navigate cleanly.

Adele is simply amazing.

Perhaps the biggest upset of the night was that there was no real underdog to steal the show. Sure, Adele and Anne Hathaway had tearful acceptance speeches, but rarely did anybody unexpected step up and claim the spotlight for themselves in any meaningful, lasting way. Worse was how minor award winners were sped off the stage if their speeches dared cross the 30-second mark, while Hathaway was given all the time in the world to say everything she needed to between sobs. Unlike in years past, when a minor filmmaker would surprise everybody with a profound, moving and slightly corny speech, nobody really stood out. There were plenty of older men with shoulder-length white hair, but nobody really made a stand as someone to watch, and they will all likely end up forgotten by this time next year. That is, with the possible exception of Affleck, who gave most of the speech for Best Picture winner Argo. Simultaneously he was the same nervous young man who had co-won the Oscar for Good Will Hunting fifteen years ago and a grateful veteran who was acutely aware of just how fortunate his Hollywood career has been. Let me definitely say this; Good for him.

Affleck is about to get down.

As a final note, it's time to check my score for this year's Oscar picks that I selected last night... I'm not afraid to tell you I'm nervous about the results, as I know of a few high-profile misses that likely tanked my score. Well, here goes...

Award                               My Pick                            Winner                             Result
Best Picture                       Argo                                  Argo                                Hit!
Best Director                     Steven Spielberg                Ang Lee                          Miss!
Best Actor                         Daniel Day-:Lewis             Daniel Day-Lewis             Hit!
Best Actress                      Jessica Chastain                 Jennifer Lawrence           Miss!
Best Supporting Actor       Tommy Lee Jones              Christoph Waltz               Miss!
Best Supporting Actress    Anne Hathaway                 Anne Hathaway                Hit!
Best Original Screenplay    Django: Unchained            Django: Unchained            Hit!
Best Adapted Screenplay   Lincoln                             Argo                                Miss!
Best Animated Feature      Wreck-It Ralph                  Brave                              Miss!
Best Foreign Film               Amour                              Amour                              Hit!
Best Documentary Ft.        Searching for Sugarman     Searching for Sugarman     Hit!
Best Documentary Shrt.     Mondays at Racine            Innocente                         Miss!
Best Live Action Short       Curfew                              Curfew                              Hit!
Best Animated Short          Paperman                          Paperman                          Hit!
Best Original Score            Life of Pi                            Life of Pi                           Hit!
Best Original Song             Skyfall                               Skyfall                               Hit!
Best Sound Editing             Zero Dark Thirty             (t) Zero Dark Thirty/Skyfall  Hit! (kinda)
Best Sound Mixing             Lincoln                              Les Miserables                 Miss!
Best Production Design      Life of Pi                            Lincoln                             Miss!
Best Cinematography         Life of Pi                            Life of Pi                           Hit!
Best Makeup and Hair       The Hobbit                        Les Miserables                 Miss!
Best Costume Design         Les Miserables                  Anna Karenina                  Miss!
Best Film Editing                Zero Dark Thirty               Argo                                 Miss!
Best Visual Effects              Life of Pi                           Life of Pi                           Hit!


Despite my griping, I've actually had my most successful pack of selections to date, scoring 13 out of a possible 24! Even if I only gave myself half a point for the Sound Editing tie, I'd still have beaten my personal record, and gotten over half of the awards right for the first time! Zero Dark Thirty disappointed and Argo surprised, but overall the Academy Awards came out alright. How did your favorites perform?

It's Cool to be Blue

There's no plainer way to put it: 2012 was one of the best all-time years for animated films. It wasn't just the tremendous, unique contributions from the "Big Three" animated studios of Pixar (Brave), Disney (Wreck-It Ralph and Frankenweenie) and Dreamworks (Rise of the Guardians and Madagascar 3) that did it either, but also slew of third party and independent animators who put forth not just some of the best animated motion pictures in years, but also some of the best MOVIES of 2012, from Studio Gibli's The Secret World of Arrietty to LAIKA's ParaNorman. With this level of quality dominating last year's features, it's kind of disappointing to look at what 2013 has to offer. Monsters University? Epic? The Croods? Turbo? Frozen? The only animated flick I'm really looking forward to this year is Despicable Me 2, and to be fair that's just because I can't get enough of Gru's Minions (nor should anyone with a funny bone, as this trailer shows). Sure, any of these titles could turn out awesome and change my mind, but last year I was both eagerly anticipating and pleasantly surprised by most of the animated film released, and I just don't get the same feeling from this year's batch of entries, and they're going to have to earn my appreciation.

Scorch Supernova in repose...

That was certainly true for first entry Escape from Planet Earth, the freshman feature release from Canadian animation studio Rainmaker Entertainment. In it, we're introduced to Scorch Supernova (Brendan Fraser) and his brother Gary (Rob Corddry). Scorch is a widely-respected intergalactic hero, as well known for his magnetic charisma as his is for his reckless manner and ability to succeed where nobody else can. Gary, meanwhile, is his brother's brainy overseer at Mission Control, often trying to mitigate the trouble Scorch's methods always seem to attract. When Scorch accepts a mission to "The Dark Planet", from where no mission has never returned, he does so against the wishes of Gary, who quits in disgust at the lack of respect he has received from Scorch and others. But when Scorch is captured on the mission, it is up to Gary to become the hero and rescue his brother from the evil planet known as Earth.

Gary learns the evils of the Big Gulp.

Escape from Planet Earth succeeds in more places than you might expect from a fledgling animation studio. Despite perhaps not crafting their animation with the same level of quality as the big boys, the whole of the artwork - and especially the 3D - are very, VERY good. There were a few moments that didn't quite match up to the rest of the picture, but they happened so infrequently and at the very beginning, so that you'd barely remember them when all is said and done. And despite their relative cliches, the characters are fun enough and with motivations that are easy for kids to comprehend. Gary Supernova especially is nicely voiced by Corddry, who puts forth his second good performance this month (though not nearly as good as Warm Bodies) as a blue-collar (pun intended?) guy pushed to perform the extraordinary. Playing opposite him is the highly effective Fraser, who might have discovered a potential for career resurgence in voice acting with the macho, confident swagger he brings to the screen. Other strong (or at least amusing) performances belong to Craig Robinson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ricky Gervais and Jane Lynch (although nothing she ever does will top Lynch's Wreck-It Ralph role), but it's William Shatner hamming it up as an evil military leader that steals the show. Director/screenwriter Cal Brunker shows a real connection with his actors, unexpected from the rookie (he's typically been an art department guy), and he also has a talent for the wry quip and a propensity for the in-joke. For instance, one of my favorite bits featured human guards attempting to wrangle one of the story's aliens. One character's exclamation? "James! Cameron! Get the Alien!"

Okay... it's just like driving an interspace car...

But while Escape From Planet Earth manages to outstrip its meager origins, it doesn't necessarily make it an animated flick worth your time. Those dialogue gags don't happen often enough to be anything more than clever moments in a script practically bereft of them. The story is also an amalgam of cliched story and characters, from rambunctious kids to sibling rivalry to the rake gag, suitable perhaps for kids but not really all that engaging for their parents. There's also not really any one scene-stealer like Madagascar's Penguins to whom you could really see yourself getting attached... I mean, there IS Scorch, but his antics aren't nearly so inspired as to be entertaining on their own. And while most of the cast is quite good, the lone low score goes to Jessica Alba, whose lack of personality is on full display in a role that really shouldn't have been all that difficult to handle.

I think they actually stuck Fraser's eyes in there...

It's clever on occasion, the acting is pretty good and the artwork is VERY fun to look at. Those are the essential bullet points for what to expect from Escape From Planet Earth. It's a good first feature effort from Rainmaker, whose biggest success to this point was arguably the TV show Beast Wars: Transformers, and this successful release certainly sets the stage for them to form a lucrative movie business for the future. But what might make this movie the MOST appealing is that there is NOTHING else to take your kids to in the theaters right now. If you have the hankering to go to the movies, this isn't a bad family pick, even if the coming months will offer a few more (and hopefully better) options. Still, Escape From Planet Earth manages to top out as the #6 movie of 2013, not a bad start for the animated genre this year. I don't expect anything in the same vein of Wreck-It Ralph or ParaNorman when it comes to this year's titles, but hopefully this won't be the best thing the animated genre has to offer us for the near future.

She Blinded Me with Magic

Even after the final installment was released this past fall, the "Twilight Effect" remains in play. What began as an attempt to follow up on the success of the Harry Potter franchise with a more romantic-based supernatural story has inspired dozens of literary and a few film clones, each one hoping to match the popularity of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, which has grossed billions worldwide. Now that the atrocious vampire/werewolf/boring-as-hell-human romance has reached its conclusion, studios are desperate to recoup some of the money that that supernatural romance genre has brought in. Unfortunately success has been directly inverse to quality. The Twilight flicks were just horrible; even fans of them won't champion their storytelling, visual effects or even acting. But despite their collective ineptitude, the series became a major financial success, while far superior titles like I am Number Four floundered to find an audience.

You might not find a more cute couple in 2013.

The same is sadly true for Beautiful Creatures, a good movie based on a popular teen fiction series that failed to make much of an impact over President's Day weekend. Based on the books by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl, the story tells of a normal boy named Ethan Wate (Alden Ehrenreich), who feels trapped in the tiny, ass-end-of-nowhere town of Gatlin, South Carolina. His biggest hope is to go to college far away and escape this small town, but meanwhile he still has two more years of high school to get through. As he is about to start his junior year of high school, he runs into the new girl in town, Lena Duchannes (Alice Englert), who bears a striking resemblance to a faceless girl he has been seeing in recurring dreams. As Ethan pursues her companionship, he learns of her dark secret; she's a Caster, gifted with magical abilities but soon to undergo the "Claiming", in which her soul will be claimed either by the powers of light or dark. She's afraid of becoming a Dark Caster, and doesn't want to hurt Ethan if that comes to pass. But he refuses to give up on her, and the pair seek out a way to guarantee that she will not follow the dark path. But an evil sorceress (Emma Thompson) will stop at nothing to guarantee Lena's descent into darkness.

To beat evil curses, nothing beats checking out your local library!

There are a few reasons that Beautiful Creatures is far better than many supernatural romances. One is the excellent setting. The tiny (and fictional) town of Gatlin is precisely the kind of place you would expect nothing of value to happen. It's the place of small minds, religious zealotry and book banning, and director Richard LaGravenese (who also adapted the screenplay) manages to emulate this prohibitive environment without condemning the entire population to stereotypes or cliches. Instead the characters actually feel like real-life people, from the bible-thumping conservatives to the rebellious teens trying to expand their horizons to the small-minded folk caught up in reenacting the minor Civil War battle that took place nearby. Setting a supernatural plot in this location is borderline genius, and while the heavy southern accents can get a bit distracting at times, they also add to the film's charm.

As Inspector Gadget might exclaim: Wowsers.

And charm is Beautiful Creatures' main draw, especially when it comes to young leads Ehrenreich and Englert. Both have emerged onto the scene recently, and the pair have both supreme acting talents and excellent onscreen chemistry. Ehrenreich narrates large parts of the story, and is a natural showman in that regard, expressing both drama and humor with equal aplomb. Englert meanwhile manages to thread that line between spooky and charming with apparent ease. They alone would be worth the price of admission, but they are have the benefit of being surrounded by a bevy of talented support staff, including Jeremy Irons, Emma Thompson, Viola Davis and Emmy Rossum. Each has their own addition to make to the story, and while some characters were not as thoroughly explored as I would have liked (perhaps intended for use in sequels), there really isn't a weak member of the bunch. Unfortunately, what ARE a little weak are some illogical plot threads that result from some rushing (seriously, the whole thing was an hour and a half. You couldn't pad the story a little more?), and while the ending isn't TOO pat, the flimsy switcharoo that ultimately saves the day definitely comes off as somewhat trite.

If your girlfriend starts doing this, run.

Mediocre endings aside, I rarely had a dull moment sitting through Beautiful Creatures, a somewhat short entry into what could have been an enticing franchise had it not completely flopped. We may never know how the story would have turned out (at least on screen, the books are already available), but I definitely think that if you wasted your money on Twilight, the least you can do is give this much better movie a legitimate shot. The leads are charming, the humor and story work on multiple levels, and even the effects are far superior to almost everything else released so far this or last year. Far better than perhaps it should have been, Beautiful Creatures comes in at #4 for 2013. Enjoy it when you can get the chance.

Open Letters Monthly: A Good Day to Die Hard

For those of you that have clamored for it, the ultimate blue collar hero has returned. John McClane travels to Russia in A Good Day to Die Hard, the fifth installment of the franchise that started twenty-five years ago and has seen our hero face a multitude of cartoonishly deadly villains.

This time it's about family as McClane visits Russia to try and help his son Jack, who has been arrested and faces life in prison. Little does he know that his estranged son is actually a CIA operative, tasked with rescuing a political prisoner and escaping with a file incriminating a high-ranking government official. Everything goes south when McClane arrives on the scene, and soon father and son must team up to prevent a major terrorist plot from coming to fruition.

A Good Day to Die Hard is directed by John Moore and stars Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch, Yuliya Snigir, Cole Hauser and Rasha Bukvic.

Click here for the full review at Open Letters Monthly.

Please Consult a Physician

So this is Steven Soderbergh's last film, huh?

Meh, I've seen better.

Don't take that as grim satisfaction, those of you who avoided Side Effects this past week purely based on the HORRIBLE trailer that made the rounds before its recent release in theaters. Despite the silliness and melodrama you might have thought would be the backbone of an overly exaggerated caution tale, Soderbergh's drug-popping thriller surpasses expectations and turns out to be much better than you might have initially imagined.

Soderbergh and screenwriter Scott Z. Burns (who penned the director's disease drama Contagion) decides to focus his efforts on the pharmaceutical industry in this claustrophobic drama about young New Yorker Emily Taylor (Rooney Mara), accused of a serious crime. The trick is that Emily was on medication for depression at the time of the incident and claims that she was sleepwalking (an effect of the drug) when she committed the deed. Soon the focus of the investigation turns to her psychologist, Dr. Jonathan Banks (Jude Law), who prescribed the medication to her. As Jonathan's private life rapidly falls apart over the fallout, he frantically obsesses over his search for the truth: is Emily a victim of his malpractice, or is something far more sinister going on?

Maybe she'll feel better. Maybe not...

Soderbergh reminds us once again why he's one of the more renowned directors in Hollywood by presenting us a film that is undeniably different from anything else out there while still appealing to our mainstream sensibilities. The first two thirds of the movie are taut with suspense, fraught with drama, and manage to maintain focus on his message. In that regard, it's positively terrifying to see into a world where prescription and nonprescription drugs are not only quickly handed out for any condition, but are in fact the subject of everyday conversations between the people of this universe, while we in the real world can only respond with: "Yeah, that actually happens." That's what makes Side Effects so... effective; the world and situations  presented to us could easily happen in real life. Emphasizing that point are excellent performances by Mara and Law (that's right, I'm praising a Jude Law performance). Mara, in the followup to her excellent portrayal of Lisbeth Salander in 2011's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, threads the needle of emotion in a role that requires a ton of flexibility to work. Mara might still look like she's still a teenager, but her maturity shines through brightly, and if anybody was paying attention they might be looking at this young woman as a future Oscar candidate. Law meanwhile manages to turn a typically smarmy performance to his benefit, toning it down and managing to play an effective protagonist and sympathetic character. Even Channing Tatum, who has a small but important role, carries his load admirably, continuing to show the improvement he's taken from his excellent 2012.

Same actor as Contagion; not so much of an ass.

But where Soderbergh and Burns put together an effective story for much of the film, it's the end game of Side Effects where they nearly drop the ball. While you can't deny the haunting twists and turns the screenplay takes, there's one thing the movie cannot avoid, and that's spoiling itself. When the climax finally comes around, not only is it plainly explained as though it were the blue of the sky, but it's largely PREDICTABLE. That's a huge letdown after the pair had been so effective at trickling out limited clues beforehand. Another disappointment? The casting of Catherine Zeta-Jones as a Emily's previous psychologist, Dr. Siebert. I'm not sure if the part was lazily written (I'm not ruling it out) or if the Academy Award-winning actress was simply miscast, but her eyebrow-raising (not in a good way) work was part of the reason I was able to sort-of predict the finale. Still, the director does an excellent technical job, and his ability behind the camera almost completely makes up for the few missteps he actually makes.

What a waste.

Between Soderbergh's excellent direction, the outstanding acting of his leads, and his easily-understood but still-terrifying look at the world of psychiatric medicine, Side Effects is a much better movie than you would ever expect. It does manage to become the #3 movie of 2013, though that's almost more a testament to quality of the competition as it is to the Hitchcock-like quality of Side Effects itself. Still, I don't doubt that this is a movie that will take you by surprise should you actually give it the time of day. This might be Soderbergh's last major motion picture, and while I wish he had gone out on a higher note (this is the man who brought us Erin Brockovich, Oceans 11 and Magic Mike, after all), it's not the worst place to end the journey, either. But while Steven Soderbergh will be likely be remembered for his unique style of storytelling and ability to make just about anything interesting, Side Effects seems destined to finish up in the "forgotten" pile.

Going After Bilbo

Well, THAT was fun.

Like most of the northeast, I was subject to the whims of mother nature as the blizzard affectionately known as "Nemo" tore through the area and was easily the heaviest snowstorm I've personally lived through. It was probably the biggest since the legendary storm of '78, a blizzard my parents have referred to in stories for nearly 35 years. Though I've seen my share of wonky winter weather, this was the first time (in my memory) that not only was the T (the local transit) shut down as a precaution, but remained offline ALL WEEKEND due to extensive cleanup. Yes, Hurricane Sandy also shut down the T when it rushed through last year, but service was back up and running the NEXT DAY, so it really wasn't a hindrance. Naturally, that means one simple thing: I sure as hell did not get out to the movie theater over the weekend.

Fortunately a little snow did nothing to change the fortunes of Identity Thief, directed by Horrible Bosses' Seth Gordon and starring Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy. With so few mature comedies in theaters right now (Bullet to the Head doesn't count), this was the right time for something offbeat and offensive to make itself known. It's also Melissa McCarthy's first major starring role, and her first big one since blowing (there's my storm pun, folks) everybody away with her Academy Award-nominated spot in Bridesmaids. If there's any comedic actor ready to break out on her own right now, it's McCarthy, and her presence is the main reason anybody should be giving this flick a shot.

Honestly, does that EVER work?

When financial expert Sandy Bigelow Patterson (Jason Bateman) is informed by his credit card company that he has gone over his limit, he is confused. After all, he knows for a fact that he never came close to his limit, as he's being fiscally responsible for his family. Then, when he is arrested by Colorado police and informed that he missed his court date in Florida - a state he's never even visited - the evidence becomes clear; Sandy's identity has been stolen by Diana (McCarthy), a Florida resident and professional con artist. With the authorities unable and unwilling to help, Sandy finds himself traveling to the southeast, where his only hope is to force Diana to confess to her crimes. But he's not the only one chasing her, as an assortment of people not only want the foul-mouthed thief for themselves, but buried six feet under as well.

Would you trust that face?

Despite a talented cast (Besides Bateman and McCarthy, there's also Amanda Peet, Jon Favreau, Genesis Rodriguez, Eric Stonestreet and Robert Patrick) and an intriguing premise, I couldn't quite get into Identity Thief, at least not for the first few acts. Most strained is the humor, which usually relies on two types: physical and sexual. While Horrible Bosses churned out at least one good laugh per scene, you can sit through most of this picture without even cracking a smile, frankly unacceptable for an R-rated comedy. The fault likely lies less with the director Gordon and more with screenwriter Craig Mazin, whose "best" work includes The Hangover Part 2, Superhero Movie and the last two Scary Movies. Each scene feels completely independent of the others, as if each one were a bad SNL skit featuring the same two performers. Instead of telling a cohesive story, we're subjected to gag after gag while the director waits for something to stick. It never does, and as a result the movie flounders very, VERY quickly.

McCarthy and Stonestreet in one of Identity Thief's few redeeming scenes.

But where the humor doesn't necessarily come through, there are some bits that make seeing Identity Thief almost worth it. Reason number one is McCarthy, who fully justifies her first leading role with a character that manages to defy the limitations of the script. While McCarthy manages to garner sympathy and understanding from the audience, she never goes so far as to justify her absolutely wrong actions. Striking that delicate balance is a true feat, and one we can expect to see from the actress in the future; while she excels at the physical humor and witty repartee, it's when she actually forces her character to break that mold and command a scene with pure acting skills that you can see how talented she really is. The rest of the cast are decent but unimaginative. Bateman plays his usual blend of snarky/professional, and while he's still a likable sort I'd love to see him break out and try something truly different. Meanwhile, Peet and Favreau are undeveloped, Rodriguez is stifled in a small role that doesn't take advantage of her talent, and Stonestreet - whose appearance signifies the film's first genuinely pleasant sequence - is sadly underutilized. Only Robert Patrick as a violent bounty hunter is remotely interesting, and he like the others appears both randomly and not enough to make a real impact. Besides, it's another case of Patrick playing to his type instead of against it.

No, no... just let her go.

Unfortunately, McCarthy and a solid final act cannot right a capsized ship, and that's the unfortunate truth of Identity Thief. Humor that doesn't work will still kill a comedy even if the players you bring in do the absolute best they can. The cast and crew do what they can, but for a good McCarthy flick we might have to wait until she teams up with Sandra Bullock in The Heat, which is just a few months away. Until then, Identity Thief is the #7 movie of the year, which wouldn't be such a bad spot if it wasn't behind Texas Chainsaw 3D. That's much lower than it should have been especially with the talent involved. This is a movie that steals whatever it can, most notably two hours of your time. Do yourselves a favor and wait for the DVD.

Double Feature: The Expendables' Report Card

In 2010, The Expendables reminded us how much we love old school action movies. Even more, it reintroduced to a generation the explosive stars of yesteryear, and proved to be a renaissance for aging actors Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Dolph Lundgren. But while we all marveled at the bombastic, over-the-top exploits and strangely hypnotic violence of that release (and, albeit to a lesser extent, the 2012 sequel), The real rest for Stallone and crew is whether they can take that momentum and channel it into legitimate career resurgence.

Ah, old-school action flicks. Where men are manly, women exist only in various states of undress, and the hero can get away with all his misdeeds without any consequence whatsoever. That's the world of Bullet to the Head, the first film directed by Walter Hill since 2002's Undisputed. Based on the French graphic novel "Du Plomb Dans La Tete", it follows veteran hitman and New Orleans resident Jimmy Bobo (Stallone), who has been double-crossed by his anonymous employer and vows revenge. While he reluctantly teams up with Washington police Detective Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang), who is after the same people, there's no doubt that Jimmy's take-no-prisoners approach will grind against Kwon's law and order methodology. But while both are being targeted by a ruthless crime lord (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) and his sadistic enforcer (Jason Momoa), they must work together if they want any chance of getting out of this mess alive.

I never want to see this image again...

The problem with Bullet to the Head (yes, I'm getting right to it) is that the movie takes itself far too seriously. It follows a typical buddy cop formula, but doesn't have any of the ribald humor you'd associate with the genre. Stallone and Kang regularly exchange barbs, but they're all mean-spirited, racist and sexist to the point where you enjoy the scenes in which they are alone more than when they deign to recognize one another. The characters are at least honest with themselves about the kinds of men they are, but when there's no potential for a friendship to develop between them, what's the point? It wouldn't be so bad if the action upped the ante, but its obvious Hill is out of practice as a director, as all the production credits in the world won't help you line up a decent shot. Bullet to the Head wants to be a noire thriller in the vein of a modern-set Gangster Squad but doesn't have the chutzpa to have the same amount of fun as that cast and crew had on the set.

This was all the work he could get after Conan...

I'm not sure which actor the film wastes more; Sarah Shahi, who is at least decent as Jimmy's artist/former med student daughter, or Jason Momoa, who is electric but stifled as the generic bad guy who is destined to be killed by a man half his size and twice his age. Either way, Bullet to the Head is the complete antithesis of the Expendables titles. Not one ounce of fun can be had here, unless you desperately want to see bloody action and missed out on the far superior The Last Stand, which has already been run out of a lot of theaters. Even then, there's a much better option out there than the #9 movie of 2013.

Okay, so "much better" is somewhat a subjective term. After all, Jason Statham vehicle Parker isn't all that different from his more recent fare, and only pops in at #7 for the year, not far removed from Bullet to the Head. In Parker, based on the book "Flashfire" by Donald Westlake, Statham plays the titular hero, an honest man in a dishonest business. He's a thief, one of the best, and when he is double crossed by his team after a successful heist he is left for dead on the side of a dirt road. But Parker recovers, swearing revenge on the men who wronged him, no matter what kind of criminal connections they may have. To succeed, he'll need the help of a financially-struggling real estate agent (Jennifer Lopez) who can help open the right doors in Palm Beach, the location of the traitorous Melander (Michael Chiklis) and his next job. The cash up for grabs? $75 million.

In a couple of ways, Taylor Hackford's Parker is a bit like Bullet to the Head, in that they're both headed by violent, unrepentant anti-heroes who have no problem killing those who wrong them. On top of that, each have out-of-their-element partners who really don't have a lot to do unless they're in the same scene as the protagonist. Jennifer Lopez for instance has little to do but be a sexy sidekick, and her presence only adds unneeded drama to an overly-simple story. You literally could have any person in this role for success, with only Lopez' supposedly-insured buttocks differentiating her from the typical Hollywood starlet. To be fair, she does do well in the "comedy relief" department, but then so do most third-rate actors. Still, the action is fiercer, the fights feel less forced, and overall people act exactly in the ways you might expect real people to behave. It's not a bad screenplay, even with its glaring flaws.

Statham getting the ladies feels more natural...

But Parker's flaws are most definitely still there. The romantic subtext between Parker and Lopez' Leslie Rogers is doomed to failure from the beginning (and we know it) and yet we're forced to sit through the whole mess. Michael Chiklis is stretched as a main bad guy, which might have been all that was open to him after the failure of the Fantastic Four franchise. And while at least Bullet to the Head used practical effects to create its bloody mayhem, Parker's use of digital blood is notable in that it's plainly obvious that the blood splatter was cooked up in a computer lab. It's cheap-looking and really takes the viewer out of the experience just when things start to get good.

Yup, it's "Clobberin' Time."

It's easy to see why the distributors of Bullet to the Head and Parker released their movies so early this year. These are low-budget action flicks so far removed from the tentpole titles of the summer Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness and Elysium that they seriously pale in comparison. Add in the fact that Stallone and Statham have never been BIG box office draws (not alone in comparison to bigger stars, anyway) and appeal to only small, niche audiences, and the recent lack of interest in their returns is understandable. These are guys putting out more of the same, uninspired crud that went out with the Dodos and their previous careers. Both have done better. Both could do so again. But we might be waiting a while before we expect anything fun to come from this pair of aging action stars.